For A Time...

For a time...

• I'd like to crawl under those wings that we sing and read about in Scripture, to Hide under His shadow, to rest. 

For a time...

• I'd like to run into that strong tower, find a nice warm corner and cozy into it, to rest.

For a time...

• I'd like everything to go back to the way it was...

...Or maybe not.

I keep having this thought over and over of those who Love much Lose much.  A recurring thought that the deepest of human emotion, however good or however bad, awakens us to deeper emotion.  What I mean, to love someone, when something happens, to grieve for them so deeply.  But through that grief, see so much more value and meaning in the everyday, the small, the minuscule.  Those things that were so important - they're no longer that important.  Those moments with family, with friends, with acquaintances, there's so much more value in those relationships. 

All I can say is that I've never felt this much emotion in my life.

So, for a time...

• I will continue to allow God to do what He is doing in me - refining me in His fire - to bring me out purified, to build beauty from these ashes, to comfort me in my mourning.

I had this thought that if I could "find" T Y, maybe I could fix this and everyone will be alright. But I know I can't fix this. That sucks!

Key Words...

There are a few key words that have floated around in this brain of mine through these past 17 days, they describe where I'm at...I'd like to share them with you.

• Peace that passes all understanding...can't explain it, just can tell you I have/am experiencing it.
• Feeling the prayers...again, can't explain it, but you know you're being prayed for.
• God's Grace...I don't deserve it, but He's given it to me anyways.  He's allowed me favor with finances (ie:  work bereavement time, cell phone bill, etc).  He's been gracious in my inability to worship, but just wanting to sit in His presence.
• Forgiveness...I can forgive T Y for what he did to my nephew, but that doesn't mean I don't have anger towards him or the situation.  The same Savior that died for my sins also died for the sins of those in the world - including the one who murdered my nephew.  My heart breaks for him.  I pray for his safety.  I pray he turns himself in.  I forgive him, but I still want justice.  But most of all, I want him to know God's love, God's forgiveness.
• Displaced Anger...There are just some things that are making me mad.  Just being honest - just being human.  I can't change any of the events that happened on 3/17-18.  The more I think about it, the angrier I get about certain things.  But, the things that I feel I should/need to have control over, if they don't go the way I need to - I get angry.  I am "addressing" this issue with the Lord.  But I ask patience of those around me.  As much as I forgive and trust God in all of this - I would be lying if I didn't say I want to PUNCH something or someone (mainly one T Y) if I had the chance.
• Faithful Friends...I have the most unbelievably faithful friends and support system.  They have called, sent texts, Facebooked me, sent cards, flowers, words of comfort and encouragement.  They have taken their arms and wrapped them around me.  They sit with me in church, holding my hand.  They have prayed.  They have done push-ups.  They have made me dinner.  They've allowed me to be part of their families when I couldn't sit at home alone.  They've listened as I drivelled on with my "feelings" or lack thereof.  They are just plain awesome!

So, there you have it.  Some of the things that are in my head/heart right now. 

He Understands

I shared Clarence's story tonight. The raw emotion and brokenness that I feel inside came out. I Just hope the message that God knows what we are going through came through loud and clear. His only Son was tragically killed as He was crucified on a cross. He knows exactly how I feel.  He's been there - done that.  It makes it somewhat comforting knowing the ONE who is comforting me UNDERSTANDS.

There's a lot emotion during a time of grief...polar opposite emotions: anger/love, anxiety/peace, loneliness/supported. Today, I feel tired.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth. ~from Psalm 121

I am actually going SOMEWHERE!

I have been on this journey of faith for quite some time now.  I have explored various avenues of direction, seeking God's Good and Perfect will for my life.  The funny thing is, this is wasn't I thought it would look like. 

I have had a heart for the lost and the calling of an Evangelist almost as long as I've been saved (that's 21 years in March).  I love missions.  I give to several different mission and special projects.  I have 2 children I sponsor in Brazil, one with Compassion International and the other with World Vision.  I'm always looking for an opportunity to serve - somewhere.

I always pictured my calling something to do with Preaching and Missions.  And I pictured these two marrying together in some fashion through a local church.  What I didn't figure, or maybe wasn't quite realizing, is that my missionary evangelistic calling is not to some faraway remote country on the other side of the world, it's on the other side of my town.

It's been in these past few months that my eyes have opened to the immense need that is all around me.  I never realized that there were so many homeless people living in my town.  Yes, there is the old man at the train station that is obviously homeless, but there are those we see everyday in our town, at the library, in our places of retail, that are homeless or maybe have "occasional" housing.  They are young adults.  Older Adults.  People who have made wrong choices.  People who have had hard luck.  However you want to define them, they are people that God is opening my eyes to see.

And what does our community have to offer them?  I wish I knew.  There's a food panty for hot soup in the afternoon.  There's a shelter for the men only on nights the city declares a code blue.  There's various organizations that will offer some "part-time" assistance.  But in the end, they are still homeless.  Still hungry.  Still in need of a Savior.

At the beginning of this year, our church called it's annual 21-days of fasting and prayer.  As a church, we were praying for the needs of our church and community.  As individuals, we prayed for what God has placed on our hearts.  5 days into this fast, I had been praying for spiritual growth and God's direction in ministry, especially as it regarded reaching out to my community.  This particular day, I get a phone call asking me if I wanted to join a group of homeless people for dinner.  I said, "I can't.  I'm fasting."  And hung up.  I paused for a moment as God spoke to me through these verses in Isaiah 58:

Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for people to humble themselves? Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?  Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the LORD?  "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?  Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? 

I turned my car and went straight to the dinner.  I had a big ol' plate of spaghetti and an evening of fellowship and friendship building.  For the past few weeks, I have spent time getting to know, worshipping with and talking to some of these new friends.

I almost missed it.  I was praying for Direction from God, He gave me the opportunity and I almost missed it.  I'm so glad that God is patient with me.  I'm so glad He was so gentle with me.  I could have missed it!

My response now - I'm praying about moving to town.  I currently live about 15-20 min out of town.  I'm praying about employment opportunities closer to town.  I currently work 45-60 min out of town (and away from my home).  That's a lot of drive time that could be used in other ways.

So, I'm still on this Faith Journey.  I haven't arrived yet, but I am actually going SOMEWHERE!