A Heart Divided

I've been reading a book as part of my quiet time.  The book is called, "The Sacred Romance".  It has been something I've wanted to read (even bought the workbook) for quite some time now, but whenever I started it would start some flood of emotion that I was not ready to deal with.  Well now I'm ready.  I've been facing a whole gamut of emotion over these past few weeks, so why not dig a little deeper and see what's inside.

Through the muck and mire and the dusting away of cobwebs, I've found the beginning of the deep chasm that is my heart, my center of emotion.  Though I doubt I will ever fully understand the workings that happen in this place, I am beginning to see that it is not closed or broken down, but a place of mystery and wonder. Even a place to be feared.

As you may know, my nephew was stabbed and killed a few weeks ago.  At first, I thought the feelings of mourning and sadness would be short and quick due to a lack of recent contact with him.  But though I may not have seen him or talked to him recently, he has always been on my heart and mind and often, prayers would be lifted on his behalf.  So, the mourning has lingered.

When I think of his killer - T Y Loftin, Jr...

I have found my heart going back and forth (sometimes both places at the same time) between love and anger; grace and revenge; forgiveness and justice.  The one hand I want to wrap around his neck in a loving embrace and offer prayers of grace and forgiveness.  But the other hand wants to tighten itself into a small ball of fury directed to his face or gut or wherever I might be able to swing it.  This is where I'm torn.

But to look inside my heart, there is a weeping soul crying out for this young man's lost soul and my desire to see him come to justice. 

This is how my heart is divided.

I have no words of wisdom.  I have no theological discourse.  I have no logical arguments.  My heart is torn, it is divided.

But here's what I do have - I have an unwavering trust and faith in Jesus Christ that I have found cannot be shaken.  I have a heart that seeks for the good in all mankind and wants the best for all.  I have a support group of friends who are just absolutely amazing, walking with me every freakish step of the way.  I have a family that is hurting and walking this path too.

My heart may be divided - But still, I stand!

Today, I almost felt normal. No surreal life. No grief. No weariness. Just a feeling of giddiness and being myself. It kind of felt nice.

Facing the Darkness...

I was reading in a book yesterday about this guy who felt like when he saw the sunset, he would run away from it, thinking he could avoid the coming dark.  Someone counselled him and told him the quickest way to get through dark was to face it, run into it.  He would soon find the sunrise.

It's impending.  No matter what, the darkness is coming.

I'm not afraid of the dark - in fact, its like I want to run to it, to get through it quicker.  I got this mental picture of me standing on a precipice looking down into a dark blue murky chasm of nothingness.  It was gloomy.  It was dark.  It was unknown.  But something inside me says, "Jump."  Though there is the fear of the unknown, there was a peace in knowing that I wasn't jumping into the chasm alone. Somehow, God was right there with me, that if I would trust Him, He would help me through that chasm. I would soar on His wings.

So I turn with confidence, I face the Darkness.  I trust.  My hands tremble, but I trust.

I am not unlike the Psalmist of Old, "Yea tho I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil for thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."  Even though this feels like a journey I must take alone, I am not alone.  I have God, first and foremost.  Second, I have a tremendous support system, praying and walking me through.

Today, I choose to FACE THE DARKNESS and TRUST IN THE LIGHT!

For A Time...

For a time...

• I'd like to crawl under those wings that we sing and read about in Scripture, to Hide under His shadow, to rest. 

For a time...

• I'd like to run into that strong tower, find a nice warm corner and cozy into it, to rest.

For a time...

• I'd like everything to go back to the way it was...

...Or maybe not.

I keep having this thought over and over of those who Love much Lose much.  A recurring thought that the deepest of human emotion, however good or however bad, awakens us to deeper emotion.  What I mean, to love someone, when something happens, to grieve for them so deeply.  But through that grief, see so much more value and meaning in the everyday, the small, the minuscule.  Those things that were so important - they're no longer that important.  Those moments with family, with friends, with acquaintances, there's so much more value in those relationships. 

All I can say is that I've never felt this much emotion in my life.

So, for a time...

• I will continue to allow God to do what He is doing in me - refining me in His fire - to bring me out purified, to build beauty from these ashes, to comfort me in my mourning.

I had this thought that if I could "find" T Y, maybe I could fix this and everyone will be alright. But I know I can't fix this. That sucks!

Key Words...

There are a few key words that have floated around in this brain of mine through these past 17 days, they describe where I'm at...I'd like to share them with you.

• Peace that passes all understanding...can't explain it, just can tell you I have/am experiencing it.
• Feeling the prayers...again, can't explain it, but you know you're being prayed for.
• God's Grace...I don't deserve it, but He's given it to me anyways.  He's allowed me favor with finances (ie:  work bereavement time, cell phone bill, etc).  He's been gracious in my inability to worship, but just wanting to sit in His presence.
• Forgiveness...I can forgive T Y for what he did to my nephew, but that doesn't mean I don't have anger towards him or the situation.  The same Savior that died for my sins also died for the sins of those in the world - including the one who murdered my nephew.  My heart breaks for him.  I pray for his safety.  I pray he turns himself in.  I forgive him, but I still want justice.  But most of all, I want him to know God's love, God's forgiveness.
• Displaced Anger...There are just some things that are making me mad.  Just being honest - just being human.  I can't change any of the events that happened on 3/17-18.  The more I think about it, the angrier I get about certain things.  But, the things that I feel I should/need to have control over, if they don't go the way I need to - I get angry.  I am "addressing" this issue with the Lord.  But I ask patience of those around me.  As much as I forgive and trust God in all of this - I would be lying if I didn't say I want to PUNCH something or someone (mainly one T Y) if I had the chance.
• Faithful Friends...I have the most unbelievably faithful friends and support system.  They have called, sent texts, Facebooked me, sent cards, flowers, words of comfort and encouragement.  They have taken their arms and wrapped them around me.  They sit with me in church, holding my hand.  They have prayed.  They have done push-ups.  They have made me dinner.  They've allowed me to be part of their families when I couldn't sit at home alone.  They've listened as I drivelled on with my "feelings" or lack thereof.  They are just plain awesome!

So, there you have it.  Some of the things that are in my head/heart right now. 

He Understands

I shared Clarence's story tonight. The raw emotion and brokenness that I feel inside came out. I Just hope the message that God knows what we are going through came through loud and clear. His only Son was tragically killed as He was crucified on a cross. He knows exactly how I feel.  He's been there - done that.  It makes it somewhat comforting knowing the ONE who is comforting me UNDERSTANDS.