Open Heart - Open Wounds

I have continued to "chew" on this whole concept of Loving Deeper - Hurting Deeper.  I wrote a post on it awhile ago as I was thinking about the greater the capacity to grieve and hurt - the greater the capacity to love and be loved.

As my heart has been "ripped" open these past few months from grief and sadness, I have found a greater capacity within me to love and be loved.  I have greater empathy for those who suffer around me.  I have found a deeper bond of friendship with those closest to me.  I have a desire to comfort and love unlike I have never before. 

The capacity of my heart for LOVE has been increased.  Yet at the same time, I've found the ability to wound and be wounded has also been increased.  I discovered the wounds and scars of hurts from the past.  I have found there are wounds that have not healed right and/or were long forgotten.  They are forgotten no longer.  Past issues - with family, friends that were of no issue before, suddenly, they are an issue.  Every matter (trivial or not) has become 10x - no 100x magnified. 

We say things we should never say.  Feelings are hurt.  Hearts are broken.  Scabbed wounds are reopened.  New wounds are created.  A heart-felt "I'm sorry" simply will not do. (Though we have convinced our children that's all thats needed).  And although I have found a greater capacity to love and be loved - I have also found a greater capacity to wound and to be wounded. 

I Peter 4:8 says: 
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.

As much as I may have been hurt, wounded, crushed or broken...I have found that Love is GREATER!  If I truely love someone, I am willing to "look over" the wounds a person has caused and maybe look a little deeper and see the wound in the others heart.

I'm not saying I haven't been hurt.  I'm not saying I'm ignoring what has happened or not addressing a sin.  That's not the case.  But what I am saying is that my love for that person is greater than my wound.  I am willing to forgive.  I am willing to "overlook" the flaws of another.  I am willing to recognize that their heart too has a capacity to love and be loved; to wound and be wounded.  And that maybe, just maybe, they are speaking, they are acting out of a wounded heart themselves. 

And furthermore, that the greater the wound, the greater their love.  They say those closest to us hurt us the greatest.  I guess because they love us more - they have the capacity to wound us more...and viceversa.

I feel challenged and feel the need to challenge others to LOVE MORE.  FORGIVE MORE.  Yes, the wounds hurt.  Words sting.  Actions divide.  But I have learned and recognized, this life is way too short for us to continue to walk around with unforgiveness and bitterness.

We must learn to get beyond our wounds and hurts and allow forgiveness so that we too can be forgiven. 

Because in forgiveness, we will find greater love, greater healing for our own hearts.

I feel like a musclecar stuck in the slow lane.

Oftentimes, I feel like a thoroughbred horse plowing the fields!

It's gonna be alright!

It's been a long time since this has happened to me, but the last 2 times I sat down for my Devotional Time, the Scriptures were "spot on" with my life circumstances.  Look at these verses below - they are exactly what I was saying in yesterdays' blog:

JEREMIAH 45

1 The prophet Jeremiah gave a message to Baruch son of Neriah in the fourth year of the reign of Jehoiakim son of Josiah, after Baruch had written down everything Jeremiah had dictated to him. He said, 2 “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says to you, Baruch: 3 You have said, ‘I am overwhelmed with trouble! Haven’t I had enough pain already? And now the Lord has added more! I am worn out from sighing and can find no rest.’

4 “Baruch, this is what the Lord says: ‘I will destroy this nation that I built. I will uproot what I planted. 5 Are you seeking great things for yourself? Don’t do it! I will bring great disaster upon all these people; but I will give you your life as a reward wherever you go. I, the Lord, have spoken!’”

AMAZING!

Plus, as I continued to read through Jeremiah 45, I got the distinct feeling that God was saying to me, "It's All Good!"  In other words, it's gonna be alright.  I know what I'm doing...I see the beginning from the end.  There's a plan, a purpose for each situation.  TRUST ME!

And so, I trust!

"I am overwhelmed with trouble! Havent I had enough pain already?

"And now the Lord has added more! I am weary of my own sighing and can find no rest.". Jeremiah 45:3

When It Rains...It Pours!

I was running with a friend the other day.  We were talking about some of the things that have been happening in her family lately.  It seems every time we get together, something else "bad" has happened.  She made the comment, "Come on God.  Haven't I had enough yet?".

I got a text from another woman.  I have been praying for her and her sister who has been going through a lot of different life-threatening health concerns and PTSD.  They are dealing with the death of both parents in the past few months, life-threatening ER visits, testing for some serious illnesses...  Then, she texts me last night, please pray for my sister.  She has to put her dog down tonight.  I thought, "Really God?  Hasn't she had enough?"

Isn't the old saying true, "When it rains, it pours!"?  I say emphatically YES!  I know the human spirit is strong.  But what is the tipping point?  At what point will my heart, my mind...MY SANITY say, "Enough!" 

I was talking with a friend this morning who had lost her mother unexpectedly not too long after my nephew died.  I asked her how she was doing.  She said, "Not so well."  She said that she can go for days, maybe even weeks with things seemingly alright, but then something will just explode.  I told her that's exactly how I have been.  I feel like, ok.  I can handle this grief.  I think I'm handling it well, but then something out of the ordinary happens and I realize, I spend so much energy in trying for the "norm" from the grief, that I've exhausted everything I have for anything else. 

Issues that are seemingly insignificant - they're HUGE.  Minor disagreements become an EXCHANGE OF WORDS Blow-out.  My resolve melts like putty as the tears roll from my eyes because I have no strength left to stand.  Quiet, alone-time is like torture.

I am just venting now.  This is my outlet.  This is my emotion.  It's very real to me. 

Some mornings, I wake up on top of the world.  Other mornings, I feel like the world is on top of me.  I roll over...wanting to go back to sleep, but ROUTINE is my friend.  It's time for Boot Camp.  It's time to run. 

I'm greatful that I have a loving Heavenly Father that has been ever so gracious towards me.  I have felt His strength when I have been so weak.  Somehow, no matter what happens, I have this sense of peace, deep-down inside that says, "It's gonna be alright."  I don't know how.  I don't see.  I can't even imagine it most of the time, but I have learned to Trust Him.

I am greatful for the friends and wise-counselors He has placed around me.  I have found comfort in just spending time with friends who are loving and caring - who I can trust - who can trust me.  I love knowing they are praying for me...they pray with me.  They're not afraid to push me when they ask how I'm doing.

I'm also finding there's a strength in helping others, even in your own time of need.  A wise pastor once said, "Minister out of your own need."  Somehow, I find that what I am needing is given to me as I give to others.

Yeah, so its been raining, no POURING for awhile now.  I think it's time for some sunshine!