Monday, July 18, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
It comes in Waves...
Recently, I had the opportunity to go to the shore with my 2 nephews and their friend. We spent the day on the boardwalk, basking in the sun and playing in the Ocean. One of the things that I like about the ocean is the waves. Nothing like a little wave to bring out the kid in an adult. I like watching for the tide pulling out and then the rising of the water as it turns to a wave and washes over you. When it's just right, it flips you, moves you, causes you to lose control. I just get all giddy and joyful inside when that happens and I let it take me for a ride!
Yet today, I was hit with a wave, but not the "all giddy and joyful inside" kind. I've been watching the waters of my emotions and life go out for what seems like awhile now. There's been an anticipation that very soon, this wave was going to come rolling in. I've been able to dodge it and run from it for a period of time, but sooner or later, I knew it would come.
And right now, it's starting to roll over me. I've been avoiding it by running in various directions. I've put my affections on other things, allowing distractions to come my way. I've even allowed my heart and mind to go astray from their "normal" path of life.
But here comes the wave. I was thinking wouldn't it be nice to forget those things that are hurtful, broken or lost? For a moment I was thinking of our loss and how easily it seems we package things away. Clarence is not forgotten, he's been tucked away as if he were a momento to be brought out in a time of nostalgia. Then, it came. A wave of emotion I haven't felt in a few weeks/months. A longing for something that is lost, never to be recovered again. I can't tuck him away as if he were a momento from a summer vacation or a photo to be scrapbooked.
He is my nephew, a part of my heart. Part of my heart will always be missing because he is missing. Just because I don't speak about him doesn't mean I have forgotten. It usually means that it's too difficult for me to deal with the emotion that comes when I do.
But for now, the wave is doing it's job - rolling over me, consuming me with its current. I will allow myself to be moved and swayed by it. I will allow it to move me where it will.
Yet today, I was hit with a wave, but not the "all giddy and joyful inside" kind. I've been watching the waters of my emotions and life go out for what seems like awhile now. There's been an anticipation that very soon, this wave was going to come rolling in. I've been able to dodge it and run from it for a period of time, but sooner or later, I knew it would come.
And right now, it's starting to roll over me. I've been avoiding it by running in various directions. I've put my affections on other things, allowing distractions to come my way. I've even allowed my heart and mind to go astray from their "normal" path of life.
But here comes the wave. I was thinking wouldn't it be nice to forget those things that are hurtful, broken or lost? For a moment I was thinking of our loss and how easily it seems we package things away. Clarence is not forgotten, he's been tucked away as if he were a momento to be brought out in a time of nostalgia. Then, it came. A wave of emotion I haven't felt in a few weeks/months. A longing for something that is lost, never to be recovered again. I can't tuck him away as if he were a momento from a summer vacation or a photo to be scrapbooked.
He is my nephew, a part of my heart. Part of my heart will always be missing because he is missing. Just because I don't speak about him doesn't mean I have forgotten. It usually means that it's too difficult for me to deal with the emotion that comes when I do.
But for now, the wave is doing it's job - rolling over me, consuming me with its current. I will allow myself to be moved and swayed by it. I will allow it to move me where it will.
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