I feel like a musclecar stuck in the slow lane.

Oftentimes, I feel like a thoroughbred horse plowing the fields!

It's gonna be alright!

It's been a long time since this has happened to me, but the last 2 times I sat down for my Devotional Time, the Scriptures were "spot on" with my life circumstances.  Look at these verses below - they are exactly what I was saying in yesterdays' blog:

JEREMIAH 45

1 The prophet Jeremiah gave a message to Baruch son of Neriah in the fourth year of the reign of Jehoiakim son of Josiah, after Baruch had written down everything Jeremiah had dictated to him. He said, 2 “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says to you, Baruch: 3 You have said, ‘I am overwhelmed with trouble! Haven’t I had enough pain already? And now the Lord has added more! I am worn out from sighing and can find no rest.’

4 “Baruch, this is what the Lord says: ‘I will destroy this nation that I built. I will uproot what I planted. 5 Are you seeking great things for yourself? Don’t do it! I will bring great disaster upon all these people; but I will give you your life as a reward wherever you go. I, the Lord, have spoken!’”

AMAZING!

Plus, as I continued to read through Jeremiah 45, I got the distinct feeling that God was saying to me, "It's All Good!"  In other words, it's gonna be alright.  I know what I'm doing...I see the beginning from the end.  There's a plan, a purpose for each situation.  TRUST ME!

And so, I trust!

"I am overwhelmed with trouble! Havent I had enough pain already?

"And now the Lord has added more! I am weary of my own sighing and can find no rest.". Jeremiah 45:3

When It Rains...It Pours!

I was running with a friend the other day.  We were talking about some of the things that have been happening in her family lately.  It seems every time we get together, something else "bad" has happened.  She made the comment, "Come on God.  Haven't I had enough yet?".

I got a text from another woman.  I have been praying for her and her sister who has been going through a lot of different life-threatening health concerns and PTSD.  They are dealing with the death of both parents in the past few months, life-threatening ER visits, testing for some serious illnesses...  Then, she texts me last night, please pray for my sister.  She has to put her dog down tonight.  I thought, "Really God?  Hasn't she had enough?"

Isn't the old saying true, "When it rains, it pours!"?  I say emphatically YES!  I know the human spirit is strong.  But what is the tipping point?  At what point will my heart, my mind...MY SANITY say, "Enough!" 

I was talking with a friend this morning who had lost her mother unexpectedly not too long after my nephew died.  I asked her how she was doing.  She said, "Not so well."  She said that she can go for days, maybe even weeks with things seemingly alright, but then something will just explode.  I told her that's exactly how I have been.  I feel like, ok.  I can handle this grief.  I think I'm handling it well, but then something out of the ordinary happens and I realize, I spend so much energy in trying for the "norm" from the grief, that I've exhausted everything I have for anything else. 

Issues that are seemingly insignificant - they're HUGE.  Minor disagreements become an EXCHANGE OF WORDS Blow-out.  My resolve melts like putty as the tears roll from my eyes because I have no strength left to stand.  Quiet, alone-time is like torture.

I am just venting now.  This is my outlet.  This is my emotion.  It's very real to me. 

Some mornings, I wake up on top of the world.  Other mornings, I feel like the world is on top of me.  I roll over...wanting to go back to sleep, but ROUTINE is my friend.  It's time for Boot Camp.  It's time to run. 

I'm greatful that I have a loving Heavenly Father that has been ever so gracious towards me.  I have felt His strength when I have been so weak.  Somehow, no matter what happens, I have this sense of peace, deep-down inside that says, "It's gonna be alright."  I don't know how.  I don't see.  I can't even imagine it most of the time, but I have learned to Trust Him.

I am greatful for the friends and wise-counselors He has placed around me.  I have found comfort in just spending time with friends who are loving and caring - who I can trust - who can trust me.  I love knowing they are praying for me...they pray with me.  They're not afraid to push me when they ask how I'm doing.

I'm also finding there's a strength in helping others, even in your own time of need.  A wise pastor once said, "Minister out of your own need."  Somehow, I find that what I am needing is given to me as I give to others.

Yeah, so its been raining, no POURING for awhile now.  I think it's time for some sunshine! 

"All or Nothin'" - It's not Working for me!

I tend to be an "All or Nothing" type of gal.  I'm either all in 100% or I don't waste my time.  I think the entire package - all at once.  I want the end result - at the beginning.  And...well.  Thats not working for me.

For these past few weeks (ok - months and years!), I have made a conscious, concerted effort to seek the Lord in the direction He's had in my life.  I know He's got something BIG for me.  I know my calling involves disciple-making, relationships, growth-challenge, etc...but I have only seen it for 1 thing - FULL-TIME MINISTRY with ITINERARY EVANGELIST tagged on for good measure.  But because it seems I haven't found that role or place in my life, I feel like a failure, like I've missed the mark. 

I find myself not jumping into opportunities around me because even though they might be a piece of that pie - they are not the whole pie. 

I WANT THE WHOLE PIE!

I am hesitant to commit or get involved because, well, the PIE might be just around the corner and if I commit, I will be "stuck" and unable to get the PIE because I have to let my yeas be yea and my nays be nay - that's what the Bible says!  And I am a classic first-born and all the rules must be followed, to perfection...

Lately, all the little life lessons God has been speaking to me (see all my recent blogs) have been adding up.  God knows that as much as I want the whole pie, I can only eat it one bite at a time.  So, that's what He has been providing for me - one bite at a time.  I have been hearing from Him one ingredient at a time.  As much as I'd like the entire recipe - NOW - He knows I don't need it now.  He just gives me what I need, when I need it. 

Shucks.  Now I'm hungry.  Does anyone have any pie?

Who's In Control Anyway?

When I go on vacation – I like to know where I’m going, how long am I going to be there, how am I going to get there, what do I need to take with me, how much is it going to cost me. I reschedule and/or cancel appointments. I get the house cleaned-up. Make sure the dishes are done – the trash is taken out. Is the heat/air turned off? Put in vacation time at work. Did I lock the doors?


I plan. I prepare.

I have the GPS set in my car – I know where I am going. I know how long it will take me to get there. I have the air in my tires, gas in my tank, a drink in the console. I am ready to go.

I have planned and am prepared, but am I?

At any given point, something could happen – a tire could blow, construction blocking my way, detours…or worse. An accident. Didn’t plan for that. That’s not in my itinerary. My 3-ring binder doesn’t have that listed as one of my “stops”.

I have been reminded lately that as much as I like to be in control – think I’m in control – I actually have control of NOTHING in this life.

I was reminded of this while on my trip in Ecuador. The guide for our trip was a wise gentleman. He is very gentle and laid-back. He would give us just the information we needed at that time. He told us, “You don’t need all the information, some of you will forget and well, you don’t need it right now. And some of you need to learn that circumstances are out of your control.”

He told us of a story of a really good friend of his. He was 55 years old. He had his 5 & 10-yr career and financial plans documented. He worked out and was at the top of his game physically. He was completely on top of every aspect of his life, until…

Something wasn’t feeling right – so he went to the doctor. He was immediately rushed through tests / exams. He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. 8 days later – he was dead. He had planned for his retirement. He was in top physical shape. Seemingly, his life was in perfect order, but in 8 days, he lost his life. As much as he seemed to be in control – he was not.

Neither am I.

This morning, I was reminded again as I read of a friend who awoke to her neighbors house on fire. In a moment, their lives were changed as one of their children did not survive. In a moment! No 5 or 10-year plan can prepare you for that. No physical fitness program. No insurance. It’s out of your control.

I don’t very much like that. Nope – not at all.

I like to be in control. I like to know what’s coming next. But I’m learning, I don’t always need “all the information” or “I don’t need it right now”. Now, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t plan or prepare. It doesn’t mean you should loaf through this life being lazy. But it does mean that there are certain things out of your control – no matter how much you plan and prepare.

But I am realizing one thing - I can control how I respond to the Love that Jesus bestowed when He died on the cross for my sins. I can either choose to accept His free gift or reject it. That’s it.

I’ve taken control – I have accepted His free gift. I may not be able to control any of life’s circumstances that come my way, but I know that I am not alone and that God stands with me through it all, providing me the strength and comfort and hope and peace that I need, when I need it.

The Cost of Redemption

In New York State, my home state, everyone saves their cans and bottles. I think they’re gross and stinky and sticky, but nonetheless, they are saved. There’s a reason for that – they’re worth something. You see, it’s not uncommon to see people heading into the grocery store with several clear garbage bags FULL of used beverage cans and bottles. They’re returning them at the redemption center because for every bottle and can that is returned they’re going to get a nickel! Now that might not seem like much, but when they purchased that beverage, they paid a deposit for the can/bottle that they would only get returned when they REDEEMED the can/bottle.

I’ve been thinking about this concept of REDEMPTION for the past week or so. I recall the moment that God redeemed me, reaching down from His Heavenly Throne and touching my heart on the 7th Floor of the dormitory that I resided in. God had placed a deposit for my soul over 2 thousand years ago by dying on the cross for me and at that moment was redeeming my soul.

I’ve been thinking about two particular young people that God has done amazing things in/through.

Me and Luis at the Orphanage

I already told you a bit about Luis in my last post. This young man is an amazing testimony of how God saw this boy in the mountains in Ecuador and redeemed him physically, bringing him into an environment where he could be loved and cared for in ways he could never imagine. God Almighty – reaching down from Heaven to REDEEM a young wild boy in the mountains…to bring him to a place where he can then become a conduit of God’s love to REDEEM my nephew.

Vivi

The 2nd story that sticks out to me is a young lady who lived at the orphanage as a girl and now is a house mother. She is absolutely amazing. Her stature is small (she may barely be 4 ft tall), but her personality and smile are HUGE. She had polio when she was an infant. Because she did not get the treatment she needed, she is now permanently disabled from the legs down. Her legs are somewhat disfigured. She “walks” with a pair of hand crutches.

The Dance Team

She is a young lady that GOD REDEEMED. She may be small in stature, but in God’s eyes – she is HUGE. He has used her to choreograph traditional Ecuadorian dances to several teams of dancers at the orphanage. God has taken the MOST unlikely and made her THE LIKELY. What looked like a hopeless situation for this young lady – God has taken, REDEEMED and turned into something beautiful.

I am reminded of the words of Jesus from Mark 2:17:

When Jesus heard this, he told them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”

It has been amazing for me to think of how God sees even the lowliest, the sickest, the poorest and sees there is something VALUABLE within. He sees you, He sees me.

He sees something worth REDEEMING!

The Silent Preacher

Only because I wanted to save the BEST for LAST…


They call him “Luigi” – a favored nickname for the boy named Luis. For an 11-yr old, he is quite small, but don’t let his stature fool you, he has a lot of strength that he uses when he wants your attention.  

Jardin Del Eden - Salcedo, Ecuador

When we first arrived at the Jardin del Eden Orphanage in Salcedo, Ecuador, we were greeted by the directors Roberto and Anita. They were so happy to have us visit. They gave our team a tour of the facilities as children peeked from where they were working or playing.

When we arrived in the boys dormitory – that’s when we met Luis. One at a time, he came over to each team member and “pulled” them in a convincing manner to his room and then he hugged them. My nephew, CJ, was watching this happen as Luis came to him, pulled him to the entrance of his room and then gave him the biggest hug.  CJ laughed nervously, but the boy held on a moment longer as CJ returned the hug.

I had to fight back a tear or two. (One of the other team members said that she cried when she saw Luis hug CJ - she felt something was happening in CJ's heart).

Later in the evening, when we were settling into our hotel room for the night, CJ asked if I wanted to read what he wrote in his journal. That’s when I read his response (in my words to the best of my memory) to the hug:

I don’t feel judged here. A boy came up and hugged me who didn’t even know me. I felt something happen in my heart. I feel more open to God and to people.

You have to hear more about Luis’ story. You see, it was a few years ago that he was brought into the orphanage. He was found living like a wild animal in the woods with his mother (who was not mentally capable of caring for her son). He walked on all fours and basically fought for food and shelter. Because of his lack of care in the early years, he’s mentally challenged, has lost most of his teeth and does not speak. Up until about a year ago, he would not interact with people, did not like to be touched or to touch others.

CJ and Luis at the orphanage

Luis is a wonderful story of God's Redeeming Power.  God had redeemed this young man from the most deplorable situation and brought him into a place where not only the Father’s Love could breakthrough his heart, but he would be the one reaching out to others – pulling them to his room, hugging them - with no judgment – leading them to God’s love. 

I believe that God used this “wild” boy to breakthrough my nephew’s heart.

You see, 3 days later, my nephew (in his own words), “asked God into my heart”.  AMEN!!!

It reminded me of the Scripture in I Corinthians 1:27:

Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.

Now I am not saying Luis is foolish or powerless, nor am I saying that my nephew is wise and powerful.  But what I am saying is this...God uses the most unlikely to create the likely.

Luis will most likely never speak. He most likely will never go to college or train for a job. And as far as being a preacher - he is the most unlikely candidate.  But he is a preacher of the Gospel – oh maybe not like you and I would think a preacher should be, but a SILENT PREACHER - sharing God's Love through his life. Well, at least he was for my nephew.

And to me, that’s all that matters! 

When I am Weak...

2 Corinthians 12:10:

That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  (NLT)

It was the 3rd day of my trip to Ecuador when IT hit.  I awoke with the most amazingly strong migraine in my personal history of migraines.  It was in my neck/shoulders and the forehead.  My eyes hurt.  The first thing I did when I got out of bed was pop the painkillers.  I wasn't going to let this get me. 

During breakfast, there were rumblings at the table of others who were having the same issue.  They were saying it was lack of water.  I drank almost 96 ozs of water alone the day before.  That doesn't include the juices, coffee and coke.  That couldn't be my issue.  Someone else suggested altitude sickness.  Possibly.  As we headed out on the worksite, I was still wrestling with the headache and now, nausea.  I started out in the pit picking through the rock and solid ground, but quickly realized I wasn't going to be of any use.  I resigned myself to sitting in the courtyard, watching all the workers busying themselves with the days tasks.  (That's me in the left corner near the dog in a blue jacket and tan pants).

As much as I wanted to work, I couldn't.  I could barely move.  I saw a group of the Pujilian students beginning to make beaded necklaces.  At first, I hesitated to go over.  My spanish was very minimal and I didn't have a lot of energy.  But, I felt like God was nudging me to participate.  So, I slid over and began helping one of the kids with their jewelry-making.  Some of the teens asked if I spoke Spanish.  I wanted to say, No hablo Espanol and move on, but I said, si, un poco.  The next few hours began a conversation of spanish ramblings with a Mariann spanglish mix. 

I didn't want to speak Spanish, because I wasn't good at it.  I didn't want to help with Jewelry-making, because it's not my strength.  I wanted to work - I like to work, I like to serve.  But God had something else for me.  Even in my waves of nausea and the continual reminder that I was not in "Kansas" anymore, God was doing a work in my heart.

He was showing me that He wanted to use me.  But not in the way I wanted or thought I should be used.  I don't want to fail or stumble.  I want to stand in my strengths, shouting "look at what I can do".  God wanted to shine in His strength - through my weakness.  Those students laughed at my spanish.  They laughed at some of the "mistakes" I made.  But they kept talking with me.  They kept conversing and attempting to communicate.  They too felt foolish using the little English they knew, but they did. 

But for a few hours, conversations over Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez, the musical likes/dislikes of Lady Gaga, Michael Jackson, and mainstream Brazilian duos were discussed.  I may not have understood every word, but laughs were shared, likes/dislikes were discussed and God was connected the hearts of 2 different cultures.

If I had been feeling fine, I would have been in the pit most of the day.  I would not have spent time connecting with these teenagers and children.  I would not have accomplished the task that God had for me that day.

God was teaching all of us.

That night, the headache was gone.  The nausea had passed.  But a lesson had been learned: when I stand in my strengths, I stand alone.  When I stand in my weakness, God holds me up - His Will is done.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

The question you must ask yourself today - what weakness is it that God is challenging you to step out in?  Maybe just maybe, He wants to show His strength in your weakness.  Maybe, He will do something greater through you in your weakness than you could ever have accomplished in your strengths.

The Irony of It All

As most of you know...I just returned from an 8-day missions/work trip to Pujilli, Ecuador. During our time there, we worked at a home on the outskirts of Pujilli that has become a boarding school per se for about 30 children from the mountains. We dug a 10x10x6 cistern, demolished and rebuilt a kitchen prep/storage area, demolished and began rebuilding a larger bathroom/shower area. We also spent time building relationships with the students (of whom mostly were in their teens). We also were given some time for tourism.

I wanted to share with you one of the biggest thoughts I had during this trip...

The first thing I noticed when we arrived in Ecuador (besides the excessively long line that took almost 2 hours to go through to be processed by customs/immigration; the begger children in the airport lobby selling gum or the large crowds of Ecuadorians waiting for loved ones who were arriving) was the absolute poverty and amazingly tight housing in the city. All these home so tightly "squished" together - all made of cheaply made cinder blocks and mortar. There was litter everywhere. Everywhere there was paint - it was dirty, chipped or scribbled with graffiti.

Yet - when I looked up, surrounding the entire city were these beautifully majestic mountains and green rolling hills. Thick, lush plants and vegetation spread throughout the countryside.

I was amazed at how all around was the most colorful and beautiful landscape I had ever seen yet at the same time - some of the poorest, colorless life. I was thinking on the irony. These people have been blessed with so much in the way of nature and landscape, yet their personal dwellings seemed so dingy and drab. There was litter on the ground and the streets. They had soooo much, but yet so little.

But then...

We head to the orphanage and the home in Pujilli, they had so little, but it was beautiful. They didn't feel the need to have material things, but to dwell in the beauty of relationship with each other and with God. Though their means were the same as others, they still had so much more. There was something different in those who knew the Lord and felt blessed by what they had than those around who did not - lost in either "religious tradition" or the mystical cults of the mountains. Those who did not have the Lord were seemingly lost in "lack" and dwelling in the "poverty" (physical and spiritual) of their lives.

Isn't it the same here? God provides so much for us - in nature, in life, in friends/family ... yet, we get so lost in what we do or don't have. We look for status and possessions to feel our worth. When we don't have - we live as if we don't have and dwell in our lack or need (or we pull-out the plastic card to give the illusion we "have" when our poverty is so great).

It's a tangible reminder of the Irony of the Gospel - to lose our life is to gain it; to become great we must become small; to humble ourselves and we will be lifted up.

Today I challenge you in your life to look at what you are and what you have and ask the question, "Is God the priority in your life?" When you realize all you have in Him - when you look up - you will be able to see beyond the immediate surroundings / circumstances of your life (which may not look so good) and you will be able to see the BEAUTY of what God has given you - love, family, friendship - LIFE!