Just went to the place where I tried to talk my first person out of getting saved. Thank God she was llistening to God and persisted I pray with her.

Going back to the beginning is not always starting over but can be a time of remembering where you came from and why you're where you are.

A Time of Remembrance...

Last night, I sat with a friend and watched a photo video that was put together to remember my nephew Clarence.  It was a collage of photos, a video and a voice exerpt of Clarence's life.  It was a necessary reminder of the life that Clarence lived and how I (as well as all my family) was able to be a part of it.

I thought it would be sad.  I thought maybe I'd blow through a box of tissues.  That was not the case.  Yeah, there were some tears.  There were moments I could not breath.  But I was happy, in remembrance of him.  The photos painted a tapestry of the life he lived.  It doesn't take much to realize he was a joyful young man.  He enjoyed life.  He almost always had a smile on his face.

A friend reminded me, it's good to remember.  And it's good that my family has this video to remember and see the happy times. 

As I posted on my FB status last night:
I am remembering... and remembering is not always sad.  I was reminded, there are Happy memories and those...are worth remembering.

What I thought I Wanted is NOT what I got...

What I thought I wanted, what I got instead Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful
I keep wanting you to be fair
But that's not what you said
When I get to heaven I wanna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I wanna know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken yet faithful...
                     ~(Excerpts from "What I Thought I Wanted" by Sara Groves)

I have been overwhelmingly amazed lately at the number of people who have been or are going through really BIG trials.  I don't know if it's increasing in frequency or maybe I just never noticed, but there are so many hurting people.  I am one of them.

Most of us, if not all, go through life wanting Happiness.  We want a blessed, peaceful, happy life.  We almost demand those things as our RIGHT.  But God never promised us those things.  In fact, this world gives us everything but these things.  We have divorce, loss, grief, shame, unfulfilled desires, rejection, hopelessness, despair.

Though God never promised us a "perfect" existence (post-sin in the garden of Eden) - Here's what He did promise us:

• Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. (Ps 23:4);
• I will never fail you. I will never abandon you. (Heb 13:5);
• When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.  (Isaiah 43:2);
• I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.  (John 16:33)

What I thought I wanted ... well, it's not what I got.  And that's Ok.  I thought Blessing and Happiness were the ultimate in living righteous for God, but guess what, they're not.  Yes, someday, when the world is rid of Satan and we are all in eternity with Jesus, these things will be the norm. 

But for now, I will take the fire - so I might be refined.  I'll take the brokenness - so I might be rebuilt in His image.  I'll take the rain - so I might grow.  I'll take winter - so I can have spring.

What I thought I wanted is NOT what I got, and for now, I'm OK with that!

Two are Better than One!

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
And has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
                                       ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

This weekend, I had the priviledge of spending sometime with almost 20 ladies in the Pocono Mountains.  It was a time of resting, relaxing and relationship.  There was no agenda.  No schedules.  No plans.  Just a time of serious R&R.  Yes, there were a few times we gathered together for some worship and devotion, but on the most part, the time was "free". 

It was a great time.  I came out of that time with this thought - You can't walk this life by yourself - PERIOD! 

There's too many people out there who are struggling in this life.  I find it sad that even women who are part of a thriving community of believers can oftentimes feel alone.  It shouldn't be so. 

I am very thankful that I am not walking my journey alone.  I am VERY blessed to have a few women who have just came alongside me and prayed me through some of the darkest days of my life.  Even now, they stick closer than a brother.  I truly love these women.  I love how God brought them into my life and how He continues to orchestrate our life circumstances so that we can encourage one another, lifting one another up in our times of need, challenging each other to grow and holding each other accountable in various areas of our lives.

The writer of Ecclesiastes was dead on ... you can't do this alone.  I encourage you, find someone you can be accountable to...someone you can hold accountable.  Start developing that friendship.  See where God would take it.  It doesn't have to be just one person.  The point is, we were never meant to walk this journey alone. 

It's hard enough walking this journey - wouldn't it be so much easier with someone by your side?

Time to Take Some Time...

mo·ti·vate /ˈmoʊtəˌveɪt/ verb

1 : to give (someone) a reason for doing something
2 : to be a reason for (something)




Motivation.  That is the theme of this weeks' Dr. Drill Instructor Program.  It's one of the Core Values.

At Boot Camp this morning, Dr Drill talked about Motivation.  He talked about finding motivation even when the last thing you want to do is that thing that is in front of you.  How, when life throws you obstacles (and life will throw you obstacles), you have to find ways to overcome them and contine - that's motivation.

There have been a lot of obstacles in my life lately.  There are a lot of obstacles that get in the way of any life.  There's finances, relationships, deaths/births, education, health, etc...  There's a lot of reasons (or rather "excuses") for me to give-up, give-in, QUIT!

But I can't.  I am motivated.  In DDIP, I am motivated to obtain optimal health for myself and those around me.  In work, I am motivated to earn my bi-weekly paycheck so I can pay the bills and live life.  In my family/friends, I am motivated to maintain and improve relationships.  In my church, I am motived to love and serve God out of obedience.  But sometimes, motivating yourself is hard, really HARD!

That's when it's time to take some time...

• Time to slow or stop your pace to reset your bearings;
• Time to refresh your body, your soul, your emotions;
• Time to refocus on those things most important.

This weekend, I am going on a retreat with about a dozen women in the Poconos.  At first, I was thinking, "I don't know if I want to go...because [List any excuse you can think of here]".  I don't like the unknown.  I'm not a super-social person.  I don't want the "whole world" in on my "business".  I tend to be closed off. 

For the past few months, I've been very careful who I've let in.  I'm just learning to trust all over again.  I'm just starting to feel comfortable meeting new people.  Meeting new people means telling my story - it means sharing where I've been over the past few months.  That scares me a bit.  Just being honest.

But I need some time.  I need the time to relax and "let my hair down".  I need some time of rest.  A time to slow down a bit and reset my bearings.  I need some time with God.  To get to know His voice again - to quiet myself from the demands and bustle of the everyday so that I can hear Him speaking.

So this weekend, I'm going to take some time!

A Letter to God

In the fall, our youth group went on a retreat in the Pocono Mountains.  We rented a rather large house and had a great time of fun and devotion together.  During the events of the weekend, we were given the opportunity to write a letter to God.  I don't remember all that led up to the letter or the direction that was given, but I do remember a little bit about what I wrote.  Specifically one phrase that I wrote over and over, "I want to be free."

I had forgotten all the rest.

This past weekend, I got my letter.  I opened it up, read it once, put it back in the envelope.  At some point in the future, I'll share with you portions of the letter, maybe the whole thing, but what struck me most about the letter is how desperate it felt.  I had this desperation to feel FREE.  I had felt so bound by so many different things in faith, in life, in work.  I was frustrated.  I felt boxed-in - somewhat caged. 

I had forgotten that feeling - until I read the letter.

I had been feeling so many pressures over the past year.  I had felt like so many people were watching me, waiting for me to fail.  I was afraid to say how I felt about anything for fear of retribution or mocking.  I had dreams and visions that I would not share.  I didn't want anyone to step on them.  Or shine doubt on them.  I had kept all this inside until a point where I thought I would explode.

Funny thing.  It took a tragedy in my family to set all this free.  It's been 2 1/2 mos since Clarence was killed.  And like the Mississippi River that is breaching all the levees in the mid-west...all my emotions, dreams and visions that have been locked-up and caged for so long, have been forced to evacuate.

And that's a good thing.

I am learning to share how I am feeling.  I'm learning to trust people that I am sharing my feelings with.  I am learning that my beliefs and convictions are just that - mine.  And, it's Ok if someone doubts/questions them.  They're still mine.  I am starting to verbalize some of my dreams without the fear of what others may do or say.  God planted these in my heart.  Only God can take them away.  It really doesn't matter what others think.

I am becoming my own person - the person God intends for me to be.

I know this is only one more step in the journey - there's so much more distance to cover.  This letter to God marks where I've been and helps me to see where I'm going.  For now, I will accept this and continue to move forward, realizing these roadblocks and hurdles in front of me aren't meant to hurt or hinder, they're meant to help me grow, to shine, to be stronger.

Ive been thinking, sometimes, its ok to not to think. I am taking a respite because my sanity depends on it.

What Is it About Being Honest?

Honesty.  It's something I say I want.  I want others to be honest.  I want to be honest.  But honestly, I'm afraid of it.  I feel a certain way, but if I were honest with how I felt, someone might think differently about me. 

Sometimes, others' honesty scares me too.  I don't want to hear the honest truth sometimes.  I want to be coddled.  I want to be affirmed.  I want to know that I am always right (even in the rare chance that I am not).  But when asked my honest opinion, I sometimes fail.  Not that I lie, I know better than to lie.  But I might "spiffy-up" that honesty, try to make it look as good as possible - like putting a big red ribbon on a grenade!

Here's where I see the problem.  I've spent so much time hiding all my "honesty", tucking it away in the recesses of my heart and mind.  Many others have done the same.  It's been done for so long, that it's become all to common-place for me to just tuck away every feeling, every emotion, every insecurity. 

Honestly, I'm full to overflowing with all the "tucked-away" junk.  It's not that I want to call an Honesty-Auction House and have all my "honesty"s auctioned away on my front-lawn.  That would not be pretty.  But I am slowly unfolding, untucking, unpackaging all these feelings, emotions, insecurities.  I've found that this is going take a VERY LONG TIME! 

I don't want to vomit this all over.  It wont be pretty.  Not that the slower process is any prettier.  But what I'm finding is that maybe it's a learning process.  Instead of just taking everything out at once and trying to organize the chaos, that maybe there's a simpler process of handling each "honesty" one at a time. 

Normally, this is where I would end my post - leaving it somewhat vague in how I would / am resolving this struggle.  I am not claiming to have the answer or anything remotely close. 

But here's what I am doing:

• I am not tucking away anymore of these new feelings and emotions.  I am addressing them.  If I need to pray about them - I pray.  If I need to talk about them - I talk.  If I need to talk with someone - I talk with that someone.  I don't just put it away for a rainy day - knowing that rainy day will never come.
• As I address the new issues, some of the old ones are able to be cleaned-out in the process, since they tend to be related.  This is helping in the "unfolding" process.
• I continue to trust God to help me, knowing that this is not overnight.  This is not "once and done".  I will always wrestle with some of these issues - I will always have to deal with feelings, emotions, insecurities.  But, I will always have God walking with me through them all and can trust He will not let me stumble, He will not let me fail.