It's not a checklist...

I am a checklist person, per se.  I like to write out my list of tasks and have the personal pleasure of crossing, checking (sometimes both) the item off the list.  At work, I like to write out Action Plans to list out all the smaller projects needed in order to complete the larger overall project.  I get a little excited when I get to check off one of the projects bringing me ever closer to completing the project.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about this grief process I am going through.  There's 5 stages:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I mentally have these listed in my mind.  As I deal with any of the stages, I mentally check-it off in my mind. 

Here's the problem...

As I felt I've "dealt" with a stage, I checked it off with the thought, "Next".  And in my own twisted way, considered it done.  But that's not the way this is working for me.  I'm realizing, the grief/trauma process is not a checklist.  I can't go through a stage and think "once and done". 

As I've dealt with different emotions, challenges, questions - checking them off the list - I've been amazed, somewhat shocked that they keep coming back.  Ugh! 

I know.  I know.  This isn't a simple process, moving from one stage to the next.  But man.  I sure wish it could be!

I just have to remember - this is not a checklist. 

Is it normal?

I keep asking myself this question, "Is it normal?"

It is in reference to a whole gammut of issues and struggles and feelings that I am going through.  I just want to know if it's normal.  Can I just be honest for a moment?  I have a few questions...

Is it normal for me not to want to read my Bible?  I pray.  I've been talking to God, but have had no desire in recent days to read the Bible.  It's like I purposely have avoided it.  Is that normal?

Is it normal for me to pray and worship God, but when certain songs or issues regarding God being our protector, our strong tower, our safe refuge arise...I go silent.  Cause, I'm not so sure right now.

Is it normal for someone who has little to no fear (or conquered fears) when in a situation where I am alone in my home and I have no plans or anyone to talk with...I'm full of fears? 

Is it normal for me to start "doubting" relationships and personal abilities I was so comfortable and confident in?

Is it normal for someone who never shares what she's feeling to put it out there on a blog for anyone to read?

Probably not.  But circumstances that have surrounded my life in the past 6 weeks haven't been all that normal now have they?

For those who might be concerned - I am working on each of these questions/issues in my life.  I ask the questions - put them out there - because I believe that verbalizing what I'm thinking or feeling is much healthier than stewing on them in the recesses of my mind.  And maybe, just maybe, there are others who are asking themselves the same questions - or their own questions - or those who have gone through similar circumstances that may be able to offer helpful advice from their own experience.

I would love to hear some of your strategies/thoughts on how you've overcome or are working on overcoming these questions.  I welcome your thoughts and experiences.

I go through most of the day feeling, well, happy. Content, maybe. But this rush of anger washing over me has overwhelmed me.

Why fight it?

Why do I fight it?  I try so hard to stay in control, but why? 

Ultimately, I can't control it.  I can't even influence it in either direction.  I might be able to delay it - for a time, but the inevitable still comes.  Yet, I still fight it.  Don't judge me - you do too.

We try to fight the flood of emotion that comes at most unwanted, unexpected times.  For me, this has been the organic food section of the grocery store or the CD aisle at my local christian bookstore or while washing dishes in the kitchen or while driving home and seeing a beautiful sunset.  It comes from seemingly no where, first the heaviness of heart, then the aching, then anger, the deep breaths, and then a flood of tears that I try so desperately to hold back.

I've given in to the fact that its so much easier and less painful to just "go with it".  And then, as quickly as it comes, it's gone.  The only remnant is the salt stains on my cheeks and the slow, methodical breathing...the sense that I've released into God's hands all the hurts and pains and emotions, in liquid form.  For some odd reason, there is a comfort in knowing that God has stored those tears.  That those tears somehow bring about healing.  That release is a process for helping me grow, mature and prepare for God's plan.

So I ask again, why fight it?

Please - Pray Me Through

I heard this song the other day that just struck a chord with me.  I have felt very much like there are people that have surrounded me and I know are praying me through.  (Thanks Dana, Diane and the countless others).

Pray You Through - Sixteen Cities
The walls are closing in / You feel alone, you feel afraid
Your heart begins to bend / You take a breath and then
It starts to break

I'm all out of words / There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt / So let me pray you through
Let me pray you through

So lift your shaking hands / Don't say a word
I'll stay with you / The tears will heal the pain
You shouldn't be ashamed / To come undone

I'm all out of words / There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt / So let me pray you through
Let me pray you through

Fall down / And let me carry you / I'll carry you

I'm all out of words / There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt / So let me pray you through

Let me pray you through...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rpDxBYNKTg

...for your listening pleasure!

A Little Relieved, just a little

It's been a month and 1-week since my nephew was senselessly murdered.  A week ago today, his murderer was caught and arrested.  According to the news, he has been charged with 1 count Murder 2, 1 count criminal possesion of a weapon, 1 count marijuana possession, 1 count tampering with evidence and 1 count resisting arrest.  Phew!  His plea, according to news sources, "Not guilty". 

I'm not sure what all this means, but I do know one thing, there were several witnesses to Clarence's fight in which he went into without any stabs and left with 6 stab wounds that turned fatal.  This man eluded police for a month, exactly 4 weeks to the day of the stabbing, even though he knew he was being sought by police.  During that 4-week period of time, he purchased a gun from who knows where (cause why would anyone sell a gun to a man whose face is on every local news media source), with the intent to flee the area.

He's now in custody.

When I received the phone call from my brother telling me that he was just arrested, one might have thought I was cheering for my favorite athletic team.  I stood to my feet, both hands in the air and shouted, "Yes.  Yes."  Not so sure that was the "right" response, but it felt pretty darn good knowing this man was not only off the streets, but he didn't put up a fight and he was safely apprehended.

I have no doubt that this man will be in prison for a very long time.  The Murder2 charge alone carries a minimum of 25 to life.  His criminal history/background doesn't improve his chances, in fact, it makes the "to life" more plausible.

I am a little relieved.  Just a little.

You see, this doesn't change much.  Yes, there's a murderer who is no longer on the streets.  Probably will never see the outside world again.  But here's the fact, Clarence is dead and he's never coming back.  It's a hard pill to swallow.

I hadn't in my wildest dreams thought that this would be so darned difficult.  You know, stand at his side in the hospital while he dies, going to his funeral, consoling family, being consoled - that was all expected to be hard.  But the continual ups and downs, I don't understand.  I was starting to get to a point where I was feeling better.  Then on the 18th, 1 month after Clarence's death, I saw the most beautiful sunset.  It was the same sunset I saw on the night of his funeral.  The sky was pink and orange with rays of light coming from behind the few scattered clouds.  I probably should have taken a picture, but because I was sitting in a parking lot, bawling, I didn't think of it.  Then, all the feelings came back in a rush.

My heart is weary.  My emotions are drained.  I am tired.  I find moments of energy in my day.  I find moments of enjoyment.  I even find moments of laughter.  But the shadow is still there, the ominous feeling that all is not right with the world and there's a sense that life will never be the same.

So yes, I am feeling a little relieved, just a little.  Everyday, I find my strength and peace in God as I try to make sense of a tragedy that has befallen a young man whose life was cut way to short.  Now, I seek ways to honor his life, creating a lasting legacy and ultimately, to bring glory to God!

A Heart Divided

I've been reading a book as part of my quiet time.  The book is called, "The Sacred Romance".  It has been something I've wanted to read (even bought the workbook) for quite some time now, but whenever I started it would start some flood of emotion that I was not ready to deal with.  Well now I'm ready.  I've been facing a whole gamut of emotion over these past few weeks, so why not dig a little deeper and see what's inside.

Through the muck and mire and the dusting away of cobwebs, I've found the beginning of the deep chasm that is my heart, my center of emotion.  Though I doubt I will ever fully understand the workings that happen in this place, I am beginning to see that it is not closed or broken down, but a place of mystery and wonder. Even a place to be feared.

As you may know, my nephew was stabbed and killed a few weeks ago.  At first, I thought the feelings of mourning and sadness would be short and quick due to a lack of recent contact with him.  But though I may not have seen him or talked to him recently, he has always been on my heart and mind and often, prayers would be lifted on his behalf.  So, the mourning has lingered.

When I think of his killer - T Y Loftin, Jr...

I have found my heart going back and forth (sometimes both places at the same time) between love and anger; grace and revenge; forgiveness and justice.  The one hand I want to wrap around his neck in a loving embrace and offer prayers of grace and forgiveness.  But the other hand wants to tighten itself into a small ball of fury directed to his face or gut or wherever I might be able to swing it.  This is where I'm torn.

But to look inside my heart, there is a weeping soul crying out for this young man's lost soul and my desire to see him come to justice. 

This is how my heart is divided.

I have no words of wisdom.  I have no theological discourse.  I have no logical arguments.  My heart is torn, it is divided.

But here's what I do have - I have an unwavering trust and faith in Jesus Christ that I have found cannot be shaken.  I have a heart that seeks for the good in all mankind and wants the best for all.  I have a support group of friends who are just absolutely amazing, walking with me every freakish step of the way.  I have a family that is hurting and walking this path too.

My heart may be divided - But still, I stand!

Today, I almost felt normal. No surreal life. No grief. No weariness. Just a feeling of giddiness and being myself. It kind of felt nice.

Facing the Darkness...

I was reading in a book yesterday about this guy who felt like when he saw the sunset, he would run away from it, thinking he could avoid the coming dark.  Someone counselled him and told him the quickest way to get through dark was to face it, run into it.  He would soon find the sunrise.

It's impending.  No matter what, the darkness is coming.

I'm not afraid of the dark - in fact, its like I want to run to it, to get through it quicker.  I got this mental picture of me standing on a precipice looking down into a dark blue murky chasm of nothingness.  It was gloomy.  It was dark.  It was unknown.  But something inside me says, "Jump."  Though there is the fear of the unknown, there was a peace in knowing that I wasn't jumping into the chasm alone. Somehow, God was right there with me, that if I would trust Him, He would help me through that chasm. I would soar on His wings.

So I turn with confidence, I face the Darkness.  I trust.  My hands tremble, but I trust.

I am not unlike the Psalmist of Old, "Yea tho I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil for thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."  Even though this feels like a journey I must take alone, I am not alone.  I have God, first and foremost.  Second, I have a tremendous support system, praying and walking me through.

Today, I choose to FACE THE DARKNESS and TRUST IN THE LIGHT!

For A Time...

For a time...

• I'd like to crawl under those wings that we sing and read about in Scripture, to Hide under His shadow, to rest. 

For a time...

• I'd like to run into that strong tower, find a nice warm corner and cozy into it, to rest.

For a time...

• I'd like everything to go back to the way it was...

...Or maybe not.

I keep having this thought over and over of those who Love much Lose much.  A recurring thought that the deepest of human emotion, however good or however bad, awakens us to deeper emotion.  What I mean, to love someone, when something happens, to grieve for them so deeply.  But through that grief, see so much more value and meaning in the everyday, the small, the minuscule.  Those things that were so important - they're no longer that important.  Those moments with family, with friends, with acquaintances, there's so much more value in those relationships. 

All I can say is that I've never felt this much emotion in my life.

So, for a time...

• I will continue to allow God to do what He is doing in me - refining me in His fire - to bring me out purified, to build beauty from these ashes, to comfort me in my mourning.

I had this thought that if I could "find" T Y, maybe I could fix this and everyone will be alright. But I know I can't fix this. That sucks!

Key Words...

There are a few key words that have floated around in this brain of mine through these past 17 days, they describe where I'm at...I'd like to share them with you.

• Peace that passes all understanding...can't explain it, just can tell you I have/am experiencing it.
• Feeling the prayers...again, can't explain it, but you know you're being prayed for.
• God's Grace...I don't deserve it, but He's given it to me anyways.  He's allowed me favor with finances (ie:  work bereavement time, cell phone bill, etc).  He's been gracious in my inability to worship, but just wanting to sit in His presence.
• Forgiveness...I can forgive T Y for what he did to my nephew, but that doesn't mean I don't have anger towards him or the situation.  The same Savior that died for my sins also died for the sins of those in the world - including the one who murdered my nephew.  My heart breaks for him.  I pray for his safety.  I pray he turns himself in.  I forgive him, but I still want justice.  But most of all, I want him to know God's love, God's forgiveness.
• Displaced Anger...There are just some things that are making me mad.  Just being honest - just being human.  I can't change any of the events that happened on 3/17-18.  The more I think about it, the angrier I get about certain things.  But, the things that I feel I should/need to have control over, if they don't go the way I need to - I get angry.  I am "addressing" this issue with the Lord.  But I ask patience of those around me.  As much as I forgive and trust God in all of this - I would be lying if I didn't say I want to PUNCH something or someone (mainly one T Y) if I had the chance.
• Faithful Friends...I have the most unbelievably faithful friends and support system.  They have called, sent texts, Facebooked me, sent cards, flowers, words of comfort and encouragement.  They have taken their arms and wrapped them around me.  They sit with me in church, holding my hand.  They have prayed.  They have done push-ups.  They have made me dinner.  They've allowed me to be part of their families when I couldn't sit at home alone.  They've listened as I drivelled on with my "feelings" or lack thereof.  They are just plain awesome!

So, there you have it.  Some of the things that are in my head/heart right now. 

He Understands

I shared Clarence's story tonight. The raw emotion and brokenness that I feel inside came out. I Just hope the message that God knows what we are going through came through loud and clear. His only Son was tragically killed as He was crucified on a cross. He knows exactly how I feel.  He's been there - done that.  It makes it somewhat comforting knowing the ONE who is comforting me UNDERSTANDS.