Monday, December 19, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
By Faith...
I used to walk in this mode of "by faith", in many ways I still do. Let me explain. There are times in our lives when what we hope for / need / want are out of our reach and somewhat impossible through our own means. These are moments where I believe "by faith" they will be taken care of.
That's what this blog is all about. My walk of faith in the everyday.
But lately, my moment by moment mantra has been...by faith...a mountain of seemingly insurmountable obstacles standing in my way, but GOD... Let me share.
About 6 weeks ago, my dryer started making the loudest most unbelievable noises. I knew it was only a matter of time before my dryers' days would be over. By faith I believed a new dryer would be in my future. You see, I have no money for a new dryer, a couple hundred dollars was nowhere to be found in my budget. At the same time, I heard a friend was selling a used dryer at a minimal cost. I thought, "this must be my new dryer." I scraped together the funds and bought it. It was delivered, the old dryer was removed. I was into my first week with they dryer and...no fancy noises, no warnings, the dryer just stopped working. By faith...
About the same time, I started noticing a small puddle around our washer. I thought, "This is not happening." But by faith I am believing this is all gonna workout. For the past 3 weeks, I have "ignored" the puddle and there are clothes hanging on clothes racks, hangers and doors all over our house!
Well, I remembered a friend of mine asked me earlier in the year if Iknew anyone who needed a washer/dryer. They are less than a year old and she needs to unload them. I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask if maybe six months later, she still had them. SHE DOES! They havent been installed yet, but they are on the way!
BY FAITH - A washer and a dryer - NO COST to us!
In the midst of all this mess, I had family visiting and our dishwasher was in overdrive. In the middle of the rinse cycle - IT JUST STOPPED. I did all those things that a woman does...opened and closed the door...Nope. Turned the knob and reset the cycle...Nope. Hmmm...push all the buttons a few times and shake the door...Nope. I even went to the fuse box in the basement and reset every single fuse in the box...NOPE. Called the landlord (This one's his problem). A week later, a repairman comes in...jiggles a few wires and notes a short. He rewires and the dishwasher is as good as...it was.
By Faith...the dishwasher is running - no problems!
Fast forward a few weeks. I have been praying over my financial situation and attempting some creative strategies to increase my income. Lets just say there is absolutely NO wiggle room in the budget. I've been believing by faith the Lord will provide. Not a day or two later, I had a freak accident at the gym and basically mashed my finger. Trip to the ER! I knew that they couldnt require me to pay my copay up front (which theres no way I could) so I left all my cards in the car. 5 stitches, 2 large fractures and a lot of swelling later, I am exiting the ER and going thru the processing. Somehow, by faith, I would come up with the copay (which is $200 btw).
By Faith...the copay was paid by a "good Samaritan" who just wanted to bless me!
Now the trip to the hand specialist - another copay, but thankfully, they forgot to ask for it. I am not sure if it's the $40 specialist rate or the $20 dr's office rate, but either way, I didn't have it. As I said, my budget is wiggle-free! (I was sure God allowed me to go in and out without being asked for the copay). But a day or so later, they called and said I would need to have it on my next visit.
By Faith...a couple "anonymously" went to the Dr's office and paid my copay for me so "I wouldn't have to worry about it!"
Lets keep going! Since I had been praying about finances and a "general dislike" of my current employment situation, I have been actively seeking other employment opportunities for over a year. I got a call from a recruitment agency I had worked with asking if I was interested in a buyer position at a company just 5 miles from my house, paying 20% more than what I am currently earning. Uhhh... YEAH! The interview only took 15 minutes and I was immediately offered the position.
BY FAITH!
I tend to be a very patient person, buy I had been getting weary believing God would "rescue" me from the place that I am in. All I can say is - HANG IN THERE; keep doing the right things; listen and be patient - BY FAITH - your "rescue" is coming!
But lately, my moment by moment mantra has been...by faith...a mountain of seemingly insurmountable obstacles standing in my way, but GOD... Let me share.
About 6 weeks ago, my dryer started making the loudest most unbelievable noises. I knew it was only a matter of time before my dryers' days would be over. By faith I believed a new dryer would be in my future. You see, I have no money for a new dryer, a couple hundred dollars was nowhere to be found in my budget. At the same time, I heard a friend was selling a used dryer at a minimal cost. I thought, "this must be my new dryer." I scraped together the funds and bought it. It was delivered, the old dryer was removed. I was into my first week with they dryer and...no fancy noises, no warnings, the dryer just stopped working. By faith...
About the same time, I started noticing a small puddle around our washer. I thought, "This is not happening." But by faith I am believing this is all gonna workout. For the past 3 weeks, I have "ignored" the puddle and there are clothes hanging on clothes racks, hangers and doors all over our house!
Well, I remembered a friend of mine asked me earlier in the year if Iknew anyone who needed a washer/dryer. They are less than a year old and she needs to unload them. I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask if maybe six months later, she still had them. SHE DOES! They havent been installed yet, but they are on the way!
BY FAITH - A washer and a dryer - NO COST to us!
In the midst of all this mess, I had family visiting and our dishwasher was in overdrive. In the middle of the rinse cycle - IT JUST STOPPED. I did all those things that a woman does...opened and closed the door...Nope. Turned the knob and reset the cycle...Nope. Hmmm...push all the buttons a few times and shake the door...Nope. I even went to the fuse box in the basement and reset every single fuse in the box...NOPE. Called the landlord (This one's his problem). A week later, a repairman comes in...jiggles a few wires and notes a short. He rewires and the dishwasher is as good as...it was.
By Faith...the dishwasher is running - no problems!
Fast forward a few weeks. I have been praying over my financial situation and attempting some creative strategies to increase my income. Lets just say there is absolutely NO wiggle room in the budget. I've been believing by faith the Lord will provide. Not a day or two later, I had a freak accident at the gym and basically mashed my finger. Trip to the ER! I knew that they couldnt require me to pay my copay up front (which theres no way I could) so I left all my cards in the car. 5 stitches, 2 large fractures and a lot of swelling later, I am exiting the ER and going thru the processing. Somehow, by faith, I would come up with the copay (which is $200 btw).
By Faith...the copay was paid by a "good Samaritan" who just wanted to bless me!
Now the trip to the hand specialist - another copay, but thankfully, they forgot to ask for it. I am not sure if it's the $40 specialist rate or the $20 dr's office rate, but either way, I didn't have it. As I said, my budget is wiggle-free! (I was sure God allowed me to go in and out without being asked for the copay). But a day or so later, they called and said I would need to have it on my next visit.
By Faith...a couple "anonymously" went to the Dr's office and paid my copay for me so "I wouldn't have to worry about it!"
Lets keep going! Since I had been praying about finances and a "general dislike" of my current employment situation, I have been actively seeking other employment opportunities for over a year. I got a call from a recruitment agency I had worked with asking if I was interested in a buyer position at a company just 5 miles from my house, paying 20% more than what I am currently earning. Uhhh... YEAH! The interview only took 15 minutes and I was immediately offered the position.
BY FAITH!
I tend to be a very patient person, buy I had been getting weary believing God would "rescue" me from the place that I am in. All I can say is - HANG IN THERE; keep doing the right things; listen and be patient - BY FAITH - your "rescue" is coming!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Come Away With Me
"Come Away With Me"...
the lyrics of the song lingered in my heart as I pondered what He was saying to me. You see, I had recently had a conversation with a friend about how very much God wants to communicate with us. The problem is that we don't want to listen. We're really good at talking (we call it praying), but we're not very good at the listening.
I had taken those words to heart and decided I needed to have a conversation (a talk/listen involving 2 or more people) with God. I had asked Him a question and waited for His answer. It came in a song.
God wants me to spend some time with Him...some ALONE time...away from all the distractions, the busy-ness, Life. Just Him & me.
So, for the past few weeks, I've thought about it. Talked to a select few about locations. I don't have all the details planned out but I do know this, Friday night, I'm going away. I will return on Sunday morning. My plan (shhhh...not telling) is take these 48 hours and just conversate with my Heavenly Father.
To Talk. To Listen.
(Here's a link to the song...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZoOfGiqZ7Y - Take sometime & listen).
the lyrics of the song lingered in my heart as I pondered what He was saying to me. You see, I had recently had a conversation with a friend about how very much God wants to communicate with us. The problem is that we don't want to listen. We're really good at talking (we call it praying), but we're not very good at the listening.
I had taken those words to heart and decided I needed to have a conversation (a talk/listen involving 2 or more people) with God. I had asked Him a question and waited for His answer. It came in a song.
God wants me to spend some time with Him...some ALONE time...away from all the distractions, the busy-ness, Life. Just Him & me.
So, for the past few weeks, I've thought about it. Talked to a select few about locations. I don't have all the details planned out but I do know this, Friday night, I'm going away. I will return on Sunday morning. My plan (shhhh...not telling) is take these 48 hours and just conversate with my Heavenly Father.
To Talk. To Listen.
(Here's a link to the song...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZoOfGiqZ7Y - Take sometime & listen).
Monday, October 10, 2011
They are the "Lucky" Ones...
This weekend, we had a group from Teen Challenge that came and shared their testimonies, some R&B/HipHop and some of the programs they do in public schools to make students aware of the effects of drugs & alcohol. I usually enjoy their presentation, loving to see what God can do with a "messed-up" life.But this time, I was painfully aware of recent events in my family as these young men shared their stories. I thought to myself, "These are the lucky ones." Maybe of their own choosing or someone prayed or dragged or tricked them into the program. But either way, they were there. God had helped them overcome their addictions and lifestyles to help lead them on a path to helping others.
I kept thinking about Clarence. He was seemingly headed in the right direction. Was making strides to get out of an "unhealthy" lifestyle. Yet, his life was cut short by someone dealing. The young man who was caught up in the drugs, carrying a lethal weapon is behind bars. He's alive. He's breathing. He has opportunities (in jail of course), but still has opportunities. Just doesn't seem right!
I rejoice with these "lucky" ones from Teen Challenge and the path they are headed in. It also gives me a new drive for those who are close to me and also headed into this path. It reminds me, I can't do anything about Clarence and the situation he was in, but I can maybe do something about theirs.
So, I will pray. I will call. I will text. I will do whatever it takes so that they too can become one of the "lucky" ones.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Let the Healing Begin...
They say music has a way of penetrating deep to the soul. I currently have a list of them that stir me. Sometime in the near future, maybe I'll share.There's one specific song that's been speaking to me for quite some time by Tenth Avenue North. I wanted to share the lyrics with you below.
Healing Begins Lyrics
So you thought you had to keep this up / All the work that you do
So we think that you're good / And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up / Are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall down / There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground / We're here now
This is where the healing begins, oh / This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark / The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out / Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now / But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find / That the shame won't disappear
So let it fall down / There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now / We're here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, oh / This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark / The light meets the dark
Sparks will fly as grace collides / With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight / This coming light
Let this blood come cover us / His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins, oh / This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark / The light meets the dark
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Open Heart - Open Wounds
I have continued to "chew" on this whole concept of Loving Deeper - Hurting Deeper. I wrote a post on it awhile ago as I was thinking about the greater the capacity to grieve and hurt - the greater the capacity to love and be loved.
As my heart has been "ripped" open these past few months from grief and sadness, I have found a greater capacity within me to love and be loved. I have greater empathy for those who suffer around me. I have found a deeper bond of friendship with those closest to me. I have a desire to comfort and love unlike I have never before.
The capacity of my heart for LOVE has been increased. Yet at the same time, I've found the ability to wound and be wounded has also been increased. I discovered the wounds and scars of hurts from the past. I have found there are wounds that have not healed right and/or were long forgotten. They are forgotten no longer. Past issues - with family, friends that were of no issue before, suddenly, they are an issue. Every matter (trivial or not) has become 10x - no 100x magnified.
We say things we should never say. Feelings are hurt. Hearts are broken. Scabbed wounds are reopened. New wounds are created. A heart-felt "I'm sorry" simply will not do. (Though we have convinced our children that's all thats needed). And although I have found a greater capacity to love and be loved - I have also found a greater capacity to wound and to be wounded.
I Peter 4:8 says:
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.
As much as I may have been hurt, wounded, crushed or broken...I have found that Love is GREATER! If I truely love someone, I am willing to "look over" the wounds a person has caused and maybe look a little deeper and see the wound in the others heart.
I'm not saying I haven't been hurt. I'm not saying I'm ignoring what has happened or not addressing a sin. That's not the case. But what I am saying is that my love for that person is greater than my wound. I am willing to forgive. I am willing to "overlook" the flaws of another. I am willing to recognize that their heart too has a capacity to love and be loved; to wound and be wounded. And that maybe, just maybe, they are speaking, they are acting out of a wounded heart themselves.
And furthermore, that the greater the wound, the greater their love. They say those closest to us hurt us the greatest. I guess because they love us more - they have the capacity to wound us more...and viceversa.
I feel challenged and feel the need to challenge others to LOVE MORE. FORGIVE MORE. Yes, the wounds hurt. Words sting. Actions divide. But I have learned and recognized, this life is way too short for us to continue to walk around with unforgiveness and bitterness.
We must learn to get beyond our wounds and hurts and allow forgiveness so that we too can be forgiven.
Because in forgiveness, we will find greater love, greater healing for our own hearts.
As my heart has been "ripped" open these past few months from grief and sadness, I have found a greater capacity within me to love and be loved. I have greater empathy for those who suffer around me. I have found a deeper bond of friendship with those closest to me. I have a desire to comfort and love unlike I have never before.
The capacity of my heart for LOVE has been increased. Yet at the same time, I've found the ability to wound and be wounded has also been increased. I discovered the wounds and scars of hurts from the past. I have found there are wounds that have not healed right and/or were long forgotten. They are forgotten no longer. Past issues - with family, friends that were of no issue before, suddenly, they are an issue. Every matter (trivial or not) has become 10x - no 100x magnified.
We say things we should never say. Feelings are hurt. Hearts are broken. Scabbed wounds are reopened. New wounds are created. A heart-felt "I'm sorry" simply will not do. (Though we have convinced our children that's all thats needed). And although I have found a greater capacity to love and be loved - I have also found a greater capacity to wound and to be wounded.
I Peter 4:8 says:
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.
As much as I may have been hurt, wounded, crushed or broken...I have found that Love is GREATER! If I truely love someone, I am willing to "look over" the wounds a person has caused and maybe look a little deeper and see the wound in the others heart.
I'm not saying I haven't been hurt. I'm not saying I'm ignoring what has happened or not addressing a sin. That's not the case. But what I am saying is that my love for that person is greater than my wound. I am willing to forgive. I am willing to "overlook" the flaws of another. I am willing to recognize that their heart too has a capacity to love and be loved; to wound and be wounded. And that maybe, just maybe, they are speaking, they are acting out of a wounded heart themselves.
And furthermore, that the greater the wound, the greater their love. They say those closest to us hurt us the greatest. I guess because they love us more - they have the capacity to wound us more...and viceversa.
I feel challenged and feel the need to challenge others to LOVE MORE. FORGIVE MORE. Yes, the wounds hurt. Words sting. Actions divide. But I have learned and recognized, this life is way too short for us to continue to walk around with unforgiveness and bitterness.
We must learn to get beyond our wounds and hurts and allow forgiveness so that we too can be forgiven.
Because in forgiveness, we will find greater love, greater healing for our own hearts.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
It's gonna be alright!
It's been a long time since this has happened to me, but the last 2 times I sat down for my Devotional Time, the Scriptures were "spot on" with my life circumstances. Look at these verses below - they are exactly what I was saying in yesterdays' blog:
JEREMIAH 45
1 The prophet Jeremiah gave a message to Baruch son of Neriah in the fourth year of the reign of Jehoiakim son of Josiah, after Baruch had written down everything Jeremiah had dictated to him. He said, 2 “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says to you, Baruch: 3 You have said, ‘I am overwhelmed with trouble! Haven’t I had enough pain already? And now the Lord has added more! I am worn out from sighing and can find no rest.’
4 “Baruch, this is what the Lord says: ‘I will destroy this nation that I built. I will uproot what I planted. 5 Are you seeking great things for yourself? Don’t do it! I will bring great disaster upon all these people; but I will give you your life as a reward wherever you go. I, the Lord, have spoken!’”
AMAZING!
Plus, as I continued to read through Jeremiah 45, I got the distinct feeling that God was saying to me, "It's All Good!" In other words, it's gonna be alright. I know what I'm doing...I see the beginning from the end. There's a plan, a purpose for each situation. TRUST ME!
And so, I trust!
JEREMIAH 45
4 “Baruch, this is what the Lord says: ‘I will destroy this nation that I built. I will uproot what I planted. 5 Are you seeking great things for yourself? Don’t do it! I will bring great disaster upon all these people; but I will give you your life as a reward wherever you go. I, the Lord, have spoken!’”
AMAZING!
Plus, as I continued to read through Jeremiah 45, I got the distinct feeling that God was saying to me, "It's All Good!" In other words, it's gonna be alright. I know what I'm doing...I see the beginning from the end. There's a plan, a purpose for each situation. TRUST ME!
And so, I trust!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
When It Rains...It Pours!
I was running with a friend the other day. We were talking about some of the things that have been happening in her family lately. It seems every time we get together, something else "bad" has happened. She made the comment, "Come on God. Haven't I had enough yet?".
I got a text from another woman. I have been praying for her and her sister who has been going through a lot of different life-threatening health concerns and PTSD. They are dealing with the death of both parents in the past few months, life-threatening ER visits, testing for some serious illnesses... Then, she texts me last night, please pray for my sister. She has to put her dog down tonight. I thought, "Really God? Hasn't she had enough?"
Isn't the old saying true, "When it rains, it pours!"? I say emphatically YES! I know the human spirit is strong. But what is the tipping point? At what point will my heart, my mind...MY SANITY say, "Enough!"
I was talking with a friend this morning who had lost her mother unexpectedly not too long after my nephew died. I asked her how she was doing. She said, "Not so well." She said that she can go for days, maybe even weeks with things seemingly alright, but then something will just explode. I told her that's exactly how I have been. I feel like, ok. I can handle this grief. I think I'm handling it well, but then something out of the ordinary happens and I realize, I spend so much energy in trying for the "norm" from the grief, that I've exhausted everything I have for anything else.
Issues that are seemingly insignificant - they're HUGE. Minor disagreements become an EXCHANGE OF WORDS Blow-out. My resolve melts like putty as the tears roll from my eyes because I have no strength left to stand. Quiet, alone-time is like torture.
I am just venting now. This is my outlet. This is my emotion. It's very real to me.
Some mornings, I wake up on top of the world. Other mornings, I feel like the world is on top of me. I roll over...wanting to go back to sleep, but ROUTINE is my friend. It's time for Boot Camp. It's time to run.
I'm greatful that I have a loving Heavenly Father that has been ever so gracious towards me. I have felt His strength when I have been so weak. Somehow, no matter what happens, I have this sense of peace, deep-down inside that says, "It's gonna be alright." I don't know how. I don't see. I can't even imagine it most of the time, but I have learned to Trust Him.
I am greatful for the friends and wise-counselors He has placed around me. I have found comfort in just spending time with friends who are loving and caring - who I can trust - who can trust me. I love knowing they are praying for me...they pray with me. They're not afraid to push me when they ask how I'm doing.
I'm also finding there's a strength in helping others, even in your own time of need. A wise pastor once said, "Minister out of your own need." Somehow, I find that what I am needing is given to me as I give to others.
Yeah, so its been raining, no POURING for awhile now. I think it's time for some sunshine!
I got a text from another woman. I have been praying for her and her sister who has been going through a lot of different life-threatening health concerns and PTSD. They are dealing with the death of both parents in the past few months, life-threatening ER visits, testing for some serious illnesses... Then, she texts me last night, please pray for my sister. She has to put her dog down tonight. I thought, "Really God? Hasn't she had enough?"
Isn't the old saying true, "When it rains, it pours!"? I say emphatically YES! I know the human spirit is strong. But what is the tipping point? At what point will my heart, my mind...MY SANITY say, "Enough!"
I was talking with a friend this morning who had lost her mother unexpectedly not too long after my nephew died. I asked her how she was doing. She said, "Not so well." She said that she can go for days, maybe even weeks with things seemingly alright, but then something will just explode. I told her that's exactly how I have been. I feel like, ok. I can handle this grief. I think I'm handling it well, but then something out of the ordinary happens and I realize, I spend so much energy in trying for the "norm" from the grief, that I've exhausted everything I have for anything else.
Issues that are seemingly insignificant - they're HUGE. Minor disagreements become an EXCHANGE OF WORDS Blow-out. My resolve melts like putty as the tears roll from my eyes because I have no strength left to stand. Quiet, alone-time is like torture.
I am just venting now. This is my outlet. This is my emotion. It's very real to me.
Some mornings, I wake up on top of the world. Other mornings, I feel like the world is on top of me. I roll over...wanting to go back to sleep, but ROUTINE is my friend. It's time for Boot Camp. It's time to run.
I'm greatful that I have a loving Heavenly Father that has been ever so gracious towards me. I have felt His strength when I have been so weak. Somehow, no matter what happens, I have this sense of peace, deep-down inside that says, "It's gonna be alright." I don't know how. I don't see. I can't even imagine it most of the time, but I have learned to Trust Him.
I am greatful for the friends and wise-counselors He has placed around me. I have found comfort in just spending time with friends who are loving and caring - who I can trust - who can trust me. I love knowing they are praying for me...they pray with me. They're not afraid to push me when they ask how I'm doing.
I'm also finding there's a strength in helping others, even in your own time of need. A wise pastor once said, "Minister out of your own need." Somehow, I find that what I am needing is given to me as I give to others.
Yeah, so its been raining, no POURING for awhile now. I think it's time for some sunshine!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
"All or Nothin'" - It's not Working for me!
I tend to be an "All or Nothing" type of gal. I'm either all in 100% or I don't waste my time. I think the entire package - all at once. I want the end result - at the beginning. And...well. Thats not working for me.
For these past few weeks (ok - months and years!), I have made a conscious, concerted effort to seek the Lord in the direction He's had in my life. I know He's got something BIG for me. I know my calling involves disciple-making, relationships, growth-challenge, etc...but I have only seen it for 1 thing - FULL-TIME MINISTRY with ITINERARY EVANGELIST tagged on for good measure. But because it seems I haven't found that role or place in my life, I feel like a failure, like I've missed the mark.
I find myself not jumping into opportunities around me because even though they might be a piece of that pie - they are not the whole pie.
I WANT THE WHOLE PIE!
I am hesitant to commit or get involved because, well, the PIE might be just around the corner and if I commit, I will be "stuck" and unable to get the PIE because I have to let my yeas be yea and my nays be nay - that's what the Bible says! And I am a classic first-born and all the rules must be followed, to perfection...
Lately, all the little life lessons God has been speaking to me (see all my recent blogs) have been adding up. God knows that as much as I want the whole pie, I can only eat it one bite at a time. So, that's what He has been providing for me - one bite at a time. I have been hearing from Him one ingredient at a time. As much as I'd like the entire recipe - NOW - He knows I don't need it now. He just gives me what I need, when I need it.
Shucks. Now I'm hungry. Does anyone have any pie?
For these past few weeks (ok - months and years!), I have made a conscious, concerted effort to seek the Lord in the direction He's had in my life. I know He's got something BIG for me. I know my calling involves disciple-making, relationships, growth-challenge, etc...but I have only seen it for 1 thing - FULL-TIME MINISTRY with ITINERARY EVANGELIST tagged on for good measure. But because it seems I haven't found that role or place in my life, I feel like a failure, like I've missed the mark.
I WANT THE WHOLE PIE!
I am hesitant to commit or get involved because, well, the PIE might be just around the corner and if I commit, I will be "stuck" and unable to get the PIE because I have to let my yeas be yea and my nays be nay - that's what the Bible says! And I am a classic first-born and all the rules must be followed, to perfection...
Lately, all the little life lessons God has been speaking to me (see all my recent blogs) have been adding up. God knows that as much as I want the whole pie, I can only eat it one bite at a time. So, that's what He has been providing for me - one bite at a time. I have been hearing from Him one ingredient at a time. As much as I'd like the entire recipe - NOW - He knows I don't need it now. He just gives me what I need, when I need it.
Shucks. Now I'm hungry. Does anyone have any pie?
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Who's In Control Anyway?
When I go on vacation – I like to know where I’m going, how long am I going to be there, how am I going to get there, what do I need to take with me, how much is it going to cost me. I reschedule and/or cancel appointments. I get the house cleaned-up. Make sure the dishes are done – the trash is taken out. Is the heat/air turned off? Put in vacation time at work. Did I lock the doors?
I plan. I prepare.
I have the GPS set in my car – I know where I am going. I know how long it will take me to get there. I have the air in my tires, gas in my tank, a drink in the console. I am ready to go.
I have planned and am prepared, but am I?
At any given point, something could happen – a tire could blow, construction blocking my way, detours…or worse. An accident. Didn’t plan for that. That’s not in my itinerary. My 3-ring binder doesn’t have that listed as one of my “stops”.
I have been reminded lately that as much as I like to be in control – think I’m in control – I actually have control of NOTHING in this life.
I was reminded of this while on my trip in Ecuador. The guide for our trip was a wise gentleman. He is very gentle and laid-back. He would give us just the information we needed at that time. He told us, “You don’t need all the information, some of you will forget and well, you don’t need it right now. And some of you need to learn that circumstances are out of your control.”
He told us of a story of a really good friend of his. He was 55 years old. He had his 5 & 10-yr career and financial plans documented. He worked out and was at the top of his game physically. He was completely on top of every aspect of his life, until…
Something wasn’t feeling right – so he went to the doctor. He was immediately rushed through tests / exams. He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. 8 days later – he was dead. He had planned for his retirement. He was in top physical shape. Seemingly, his life was in perfect order, but in 8 days, he lost his life. As much as he seemed to be in control – he was not.
Neither am I.
This morning, I was reminded again as I read of a friend who awoke to her neighbors house on fire. In a moment, their lives were changed as one of their children did not survive. In a moment! No 5 or 10-year plan can prepare you for that. No physical fitness program. No insurance. It’s out of your control.
I don’t very much like that. Nope – not at all.
I like to be in control. I like to know what’s coming next. But I’m learning, I don’t always need “all the information” or “I don’t need it right now”. Now, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t plan or prepare. It doesn’t mean you should loaf through this life being lazy. But it does mean that there are certain things out of your control – no matter how much you plan and prepare.
But I am realizing one thing - I can control how I respond to the Love that Jesus bestowed when He died on the cross for my sins. I can either choose to accept His free gift or reject it. That’s it.
I’ve taken control – I have accepted His free gift. I may not be able to control any of life’s circumstances that come my way, but I know that I am not alone and that God stands with me through it all, providing me the strength and comfort and hope and peace that I need, when I need it.
I plan. I prepare.
I have the GPS set in my car – I know where I am going. I know how long it will take me to get there. I have the air in my tires, gas in my tank, a drink in the console. I am ready to go.
I have planned and am prepared, but am I?
At any given point, something could happen – a tire could blow, construction blocking my way, detours…or worse. An accident. Didn’t plan for that. That’s not in my itinerary. My 3-ring binder doesn’t have that listed as one of my “stops”.
I have been reminded lately that as much as I like to be in control – think I’m in control – I actually have control of NOTHING in this life.
I was reminded of this while on my trip in Ecuador. The guide for our trip was a wise gentleman. He is very gentle and laid-back. He would give us just the information we needed at that time. He told us, “You don’t need all the information, some of you will forget and well, you don’t need it right now. And some of you need to learn that circumstances are out of your control.”
He told us of a story of a really good friend of his. He was 55 years old. He had his 5 & 10-yr career and financial plans documented. He worked out and was at the top of his game physically. He was completely on top of every aspect of his life, until…
Something wasn’t feeling right – so he went to the doctor. He was immediately rushed through tests / exams. He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. 8 days later – he was dead. He had planned for his retirement. He was in top physical shape. Seemingly, his life was in perfect order, but in 8 days, he lost his life. As much as he seemed to be in control – he was not.
Neither am I.
This morning, I was reminded again as I read of a friend who awoke to her neighbors house on fire. In a moment, their lives were changed as one of their children did not survive. In a moment! No 5 or 10-year plan can prepare you for that. No physical fitness program. No insurance. It’s out of your control.
I don’t very much like that. Nope – not at all.
I like to be in control. I like to know what’s coming next. But I’m learning, I don’t always need “all the information” or “I don’t need it right now”. Now, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t plan or prepare. It doesn’t mean you should loaf through this life being lazy. But it does mean that there are certain things out of your control – no matter how much you plan and prepare.
But I am realizing one thing - I can control how I respond to the Love that Jesus bestowed when He died on the cross for my sins. I can either choose to accept His free gift or reject it. That’s it.
I’ve taken control – I have accepted His free gift. I may not be able to control any of life’s circumstances that come my way, but I know that I am not alone and that God stands with me through it all, providing me the strength and comfort and hope and peace that I need, when I need it.
Monday, August 8, 2011
The Cost of Redemption
In New York State, my home state, everyone saves their cans and bottles. I think they’re gross and stinky and sticky, but nonetheless, they are saved. There’s a reason for that – they’re worth something. You see, it’s not uncommon to see people heading into the grocery store with several clear garbage bags FULL of used beverage cans and bottles. They’re returning them at the redemption center because for every bottle and can that is returned they’re going to get a nickel! Now that might not seem like much, but when they purchased that beverage, they paid a deposit for the can/bottle that they would only get returned when they REDEEMED the can/bottle.I’ve been thinking about this concept of REDEMPTION for the past week or so. I recall the moment that God redeemed me, reaching down from His Heavenly Throne and touching my heart on the 7th Floor of the dormitory that I resided in. God had placed a deposit for my soul over 2 thousand years ago by dying on the cross for me and at that moment was redeeming my soul.
I’ve been thinking about two particular young people that God has done amazing things in/through.
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| Me and Luis at the Orphanage |
I already told you a bit about Luis in my last post. This young man is an amazing testimony of how God saw this boy in the mountains in Ecuador and redeemed him physically, bringing him into an environment where he could be loved and cared for in ways he could never imagine. God Almighty – reaching down from Heaven to REDEEM a young wild boy in the mountains…to bring him to a place where he can then become a conduit of God’s love to REDEEM my nephew.
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| Vivi |
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| The Dance Team |
She is a young lady that GOD REDEEMED. She may be small in stature, but in God’s eyes – she is HUGE. He has used her to choreograph traditional Ecuadorian dances to several teams of dancers at the orphanage. God has taken the MOST unlikely and made her THE LIKELY. What looked like a hopeless situation for this young lady – God has taken, REDEEMED and turned into something beautiful.
I am reminded of the words of Jesus from Mark 2:17:
When Jesus heard this, he told them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”
It has been amazing for me to think of how God sees even the lowliest, the sickest, the poorest and sees there is something VALUABLE within. He sees you, He sees me.
He sees something worth REDEEMING!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Silent Preacher
Only because I wanted to save the BEST for LAST…
They call him “Luigi” – a favored nickname for the boy named Luis. For an 11-yr old, he is quite small, but don’t let his stature fool you, he has a lot of strength that he uses when he wants your attention.
When we first arrived at the Jardin del Eden Orphanage in Salcedo, Ecuador, we were greeted by the directors Roberto and Anita. They were so happy to have us visit. They gave our team a tour of the facilities as children peeked from where they were working or playing.
When we arrived in the boys dormitory – that’s when we met Luis. One at a time, he came over to each team member and “pulled” them in a convincing manner to his room and then he hugged them. My nephew, CJ, was watching this happen as Luis came to him, pulled him to the entrance of his room and then gave him the biggest hug. CJ laughed nervously, but the boy held on a moment longer as CJ returned the hug.
I had to fight back a tear or two. (One of the other team members said that she cried when she saw Luis hug CJ - she felt something was happening in CJ's heart).
Later in the evening, when we were settling into our hotel room for the night, CJ asked if I wanted to read what he wrote in his journal. That’s when I read his response (in my words to the best of my memory) to the hug:
Luis is a wonderful story of God's Redeeming Power. God had redeemed this young man from the most deplorable situation and brought him into a place where not only the Father’s Love could breakthrough his heart, but he would be the one reaching out to others – pulling them to his room, hugging them - with no judgment – leading them to God’s love.
Luis will most likely never speak. He most likely will never go to college or train for a job. And as far as being a preacher - he is the most unlikely candidate. But he is a preacher of the Gospel – oh maybe not like you and I would think a preacher should be, but a SILENT PREACHER - sharing God's Love through his life. Well, at least he was for my nephew.
And to me, that’s all that matters!
They call him “Luigi” – a favored nickname for the boy named Luis. For an 11-yr old, he is quite small, but don’t let his stature fool you, he has a lot of strength that he uses when he wants your attention.
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| Jardin Del Eden - Salcedo, Ecuador |
I had to fight back a tear or two. (One of the other team members said that she cried when she saw Luis hug CJ - she felt something was happening in CJ's heart).
Later in the evening, when we were settling into our hotel room for the night, CJ asked if I wanted to read what he wrote in his journal. That’s when I read his response (in my words to the best of my memory) to the hug:
I don’t feel judged here. A boy came up and hugged me who didn’t even know me. I felt something happen in my heart. I feel more open to God and to people.You have to hear more about Luis’ story. You see, it was a few years ago that he was brought into the orphanage. He was found living like a wild animal in the woods with his mother (who was not mentally capable of caring for her son). He walked on all fours and basically fought for food and shelter. Because of his lack of care in the early years, he’s mentally challenged, has lost most of his teeth and does not speak. Up until about a year ago, he would not interact with people, did not like to be touched or to touch others.
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| CJ and Luis at the orphanage |
I believe that God used this “wild” boy to breakthrough my nephew’s heart.
You see, 3 days later, my nephew (in his own words), “asked God into my heart”. AMEN!!!
It reminded me of the Scripture in I Corinthians 1:27:
You see, 3 days later, my nephew (in his own words), “asked God into my heart”. AMEN!!!
It reminded me of the Scripture in I Corinthians 1:27:
Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.Now I am not saying Luis is foolish or powerless, nor am I saying that my nephew is wise and powerful. But what I am saying is this...God uses the most unlikely to create the likely.
Luis will most likely never speak. He most likely will never go to college or train for a job. And as far as being a preacher - he is the most unlikely candidate. But he is a preacher of the Gospel – oh maybe not like you and I would think a preacher should be, but a SILENT PREACHER - sharing God's Love through his life. Well, at least he was for my nephew.
And to me, that’s all that matters!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
When I am Weak...
2 Corinthians 12:10:
That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (NLT)
It was the 3rd day of my trip to Ecuador when IT hit. I awoke with the most amazingly strong migraine in my personal history of migraines. It was in my neck/shoulders and the forehead. My eyes hurt. The first thing I did when I got out of bed was pop the painkillers. I wasn't going to let this get me.
During breakfast, there were rumblings at the table of others who were having the same issue. They were saying it was lack of water. I drank almost 96 ozs of water alone the day before. That doesn't include the juices, coffee and coke. That couldn't be my issue. Someone else suggested altitude sickness. Possibly. As we headed out on the worksite, I was still wrestling with the headache and now, nausea. I started out in the pit picking through the rock and solid ground, but quickly realized I wasn't going to be of any use. I resigned myself to sitting in the courtyard, watching all the workers busying themselves with the days tasks. (That's me in the left corner near the dog in a blue jacket and tan pants).
But for a few hours, conversations over Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez, the musical likes/dislikes of Lady Gaga, Michael Jackson, and mainstream Brazilian duos were discussed. I may not have understood every word, but laughs were shared, likes/dislikes were discussed and God was connected the hearts of 2 different cultures.
If I had been feeling fine, I would have been in the pit most of the day. I would not have spent time connecting with these teenagers and children. I would not have accomplished the task that God had for me that day.
God was teaching all of us.
That night, the headache was gone. The nausea had passed. But a lesson had been learned: when I stand in my strengths, I stand alone. When I stand in my weakness, God holds me up - His Will is done.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
The question you must ask yourself today - what weakness is it that God is challenging you to step out in? Maybe just maybe, He wants to show His strength in your weakness. Maybe, He will do something greater through you in your weakness than you could ever have accomplished in your strengths.
That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (NLT)
It was the 3rd day of my trip to Ecuador when IT hit. I awoke with the most amazingly strong migraine in my personal history of migraines. It was in my neck/shoulders and the forehead. My eyes hurt. The first thing I did when I got out of bed was pop the painkillers. I wasn't going to let this get me.
During breakfast, there were rumblings at the table of others who were having the same issue. They were saying it was lack of water. I drank almost 96 ozs of water alone the day before. That doesn't include the juices, coffee and coke. That couldn't be my issue. Someone else suggested altitude sickness. Possibly. As we headed out on the worksite, I was still wrestling with the headache and now, nausea. I started out in the pit picking through the rock and solid ground, but quickly realized I wasn't going to be of any use. I resigned myself to sitting in the courtyard, watching all the workers busying themselves with the days tasks. (That's me in the left corner near the dog in a blue jacket and tan pants).As much as I wanted to work, I couldn't. I could barely move. I saw a group of the Pujilian students beginning to make beaded necklaces. At first, I hesitated to go over. My spanish was very minimal and I didn't have a lot of energy. But, I felt like God was nudging me to participate. So, I slid over and began helping one of the kids with their jewelry-making. Some of the teens asked if I spoke Spanish. I wanted to say, No hablo Espanol and move on, but I said, si, un poco. The next few hours began a conversation of spanish ramblings with a Mariann spanglish mix.
I didn't want to speak Spanish, because I wasn't good at it. I didn't want to help with Jewelry-making, because it's not my strength. I wanted to work - I like to work, I like to serve. But God had something else for me. Even in my waves of nausea and the continual reminder that I was not in "Kansas" anymore, God was doing a work in my heart.
He was showing me that He wanted to use me. But not in the way I wanted or thought I should be used. I don't want to fail or stumble. I want to stand in my strengths, shouting "look at what I can do". God wanted to shine in His strength - through my weakness. Those students laughed at my spanish. They laughed at some of the "mistakes" I made. But they kept talking with me. They kept conversing and attempting to communicate. They too felt foolish using the little English they knew, but they did.
But for a few hours, conversations over Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez, the musical likes/dislikes of Lady Gaga, Michael Jackson, and mainstream Brazilian duos were discussed. I may not have understood every word, but laughs were shared, likes/dislikes were discussed and God was connected the hearts of 2 different cultures.
If I had been feeling fine, I would have been in the pit most of the day. I would not have spent time connecting with these teenagers and children. I would not have accomplished the task that God had for me that day.
God was teaching all of us.
That night, the headache was gone. The nausea had passed. But a lesson had been learned: when I stand in my strengths, I stand alone. When I stand in my weakness, God holds me up - His Will is done.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
The question you must ask yourself today - what weakness is it that God is challenging you to step out in? Maybe just maybe, He wants to show His strength in your weakness. Maybe, He will do something greater through you in your weakness than you could ever have accomplished in your strengths.
Monday, August 1, 2011
The Irony of It All
As most of you know...I just returned from an 8-day missions/work trip to Pujilli, Ecuador. During our time there, we worked at a home on the outskirts of Pujilli that has become a boarding school per se for about 30 children from the mountains. We dug a 10x10x6 cistern, demolished and rebuilt a kitchen prep/storage area, demolished and began rebuilding a larger bathroom/shower area. We also spent time building relationships with the students (of whom mostly were in their teens). We also were given some time for tourism.
I wanted to share with you one of the biggest thoughts I had during this trip...
The first thing I noticed when we arrived in Ecuador (besides the excessively long line that took almost 2 hours to go through to be processed by customs/immigration; the begger children in the airport lobby selling gum or the large crowds of Ecuadorians waiting for loved ones who were arriving) was the absolute poverty and amazingly tight housing in the city. All these home so tightly "squished" together - all made of cheaply made cinder blocks and mortar. There was litter everywhere. Everywhere there was paint - it was dirty, chipped or scribbled with graffiti.
We head to the orphanage and the home in Pujilli, they had so little, but it was beautiful. They didn't feel the need to have material things, but to dwell in the beauty of relationship with each other and with God. Though their means were the same as others, they still had so much more. There was something different in those who knew the Lord and felt blessed by what they had than those around who did not - lost in either "religious tradition" or the mystical cults of the mountains. Those who did not have the Lord were seemingly lost in "lack" and dwelling in the "poverty" (physical and spiritual) of their lives.
It's a tangible reminder of the Irony of the Gospel - to lose our life is to gain it; to become great we must become small; to humble ourselves and we will be lifted up.
Today I challenge you in your life to look at what you are and what you have and ask the question, "Is God the priority in your life?" When you realize all you have in Him - when you look up - you will be able to see beyond the immediate surroundings / circumstances of your life (which may not look so good) and you will be able to see the BEAUTY of what God has given you - love, family, friendship - LIFE!
I wanted to share with you one of the biggest thoughts I had during this trip...
The first thing I noticed when we arrived in Ecuador (besides the excessively long line that took almost 2 hours to go through to be processed by customs/immigration; the begger children in the airport lobby selling gum or the large crowds of Ecuadorians waiting for loved ones who were arriving) was the absolute poverty and amazingly tight housing in the city. All these home so tightly "squished" together - all made of cheaply made cinder blocks and mortar. There was litter everywhere. Everywhere there was paint - it was dirty, chipped or scribbled with graffiti. 
Yet - when I looked up, surrounding the entire city were these beautifully majestic mountains and green rolling hills. Thick, lush plants and vegetation spread throughout the countryside.
I was amazed at how all around was the most colorful and beautiful landscape I had ever seen yet at the same time - some of the poorest, colorless life. I was thinking on the irony. These people have been blessed with so much in the way of nature and landscape, yet their personal dwellings seemed so dingy and drab. There was litter on the ground and the streets. They had soooo much, but yet so little.
But then...
We head to the orphanage and the home in Pujilli, they had so little, but it was beautiful. They didn't feel the need to have material things, but to dwell in the beauty of relationship with each other and with God. Though their means were the same as others, they still had so much more. There was something different in those who knew the Lord and felt blessed by what they had than those around who did not - lost in either "religious tradition" or the mystical cults of the mountains. Those who did not have the Lord were seemingly lost in "lack" and dwelling in the "poverty" (physical and spiritual) of their lives.Isn't it the same here? God provides so much for us - in nature, in life, in friends/family ... yet, we get so lost in what we do or don't have. We look for status and possessions to feel our worth. When we don't have - we live as if we don't have and dwell in our lack or need (or we pull-out the plastic card to give the illusion we "have" when our poverty is so great).
Today I challenge you in your life to look at what you are and what you have and ask the question, "Is God the priority in your life?" When you realize all you have in Him - when you look up - you will be able to see beyond the immediate surroundings / circumstances of your life (which may not look so good) and you will be able to see the BEAUTY of what God has given you - love, family, friendship - LIFE!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
It comes in Waves...
Recently, I had the opportunity to go to the shore with my 2 nephews and their friend. We spent the day on the boardwalk, basking in the sun and playing in the Ocean. One of the things that I like about the ocean is the waves. Nothing like a little wave to bring out the kid in an adult. I like watching for the tide pulling out and then the rising of the water as it turns to a wave and washes over you. When it's just right, it flips you, moves you, causes you to lose control. I just get all giddy and joyful inside when that happens and I let it take me for a ride!
Yet today, I was hit with a wave, but not the "all giddy and joyful inside" kind. I've been watching the waters of my emotions and life go out for what seems like awhile now. There's been an anticipation that very soon, this wave was going to come rolling in. I've been able to dodge it and run from it for a period of time, but sooner or later, I knew it would come.
And right now, it's starting to roll over me. I've been avoiding it by running in various directions. I've put my affections on other things, allowing distractions to come my way. I've even allowed my heart and mind to go astray from their "normal" path of life.
But here comes the wave. I was thinking wouldn't it be nice to forget those things that are hurtful, broken or lost? For a moment I was thinking of our loss and how easily it seems we package things away. Clarence is not forgotten, he's been tucked away as if he were a momento to be brought out in a time of nostalgia. Then, it came. A wave of emotion I haven't felt in a few weeks/months. A longing for something that is lost, never to be recovered again. I can't tuck him away as if he were a momento from a summer vacation or a photo to be scrapbooked.
He is my nephew, a part of my heart. Part of my heart will always be missing because he is missing. Just because I don't speak about him doesn't mean I have forgotten. It usually means that it's too difficult for me to deal with the emotion that comes when I do.
But for now, the wave is doing it's job - rolling over me, consuming me with its current. I will allow myself to be moved and swayed by it. I will allow it to move me where it will.
Yet today, I was hit with a wave, but not the "all giddy and joyful inside" kind. I've been watching the waters of my emotions and life go out for what seems like awhile now. There's been an anticipation that very soon, this wave was going to come rolling in. I've been able to dodge it and run from it for a period of time, but sooner or later, I knew it would come.
And right now, it's starting to roll over me. I've been avoiding it by running in various directions. I've put my affections on other things, allowing distractions to come my way. I've even allowed my heart and mind to go astray from their "normal" path of life.
But here comes the wave. I was thinking wouldn't it be nice to forget those things that are hurtful, broken or lost? For a moment I was thinking of our loss and how easily it seems we package things away. Clarence is not forgotten, he's been tucked away as if he were a momento to be brought out in a time of nostalgia. Then, it came. A wave of emotion I haven't felt in a few weeks/months. A longing for something that is lost, never to be recovered again. I can't tuck him away as if he were a momento from a summer vacation or a photo to be scrapbooked.
He is my nephew, a part of my heart. Part of my heart will always be missing because he is missing. Just because I don't speak about him doesn't mean I have forgotten. It usually means that it's too difficult for me to deal with the emotion that comes when I do.
But for now, the wave is doing it's job - rolling over me, consuming me with its current. I will allow myself to be moved and swayed by it. I will allow it to move me where it will.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
A Time of Remembrance...
Last night, I sat with a friend and watched a photo video that was put together to remember my nephew Clarence. It was a collage of photos, a video and a voice exerpt of Clarence's life. It was a necessary reminder of the life that Clarence lived and how I (as well as all my family) was able to be a part of it.
I thought it would be sad. I thought maybe I'd blow through a box of tissues. That was not the case. Yeah, there were some tears. There were moments I could not breath. But I was happy, in remembrance of him. The photos painted a tapestry of the life he lived. It doesn't take much to realize he was a joyful young man. He enjoyed life. He almost always had a smile on his face.
A friend reminded me, it's good to remember. And it's good that my family has this video to remember and see the happy times.
As I posted on my FB status last night:
I thought it would be sad. I thought maybe I'd blow through a box of tissues. That was not the case. Yeah, there were some tears. There were moments I could not breath. But I was happy, in remembrance of him. The photos painted a tapestry of the life he lived. It doesn't take much to realize he was a joyful young man. He enjoyed life. He almost always had a smile on his face.
A friend reminded me, it's good to remember. And it's good that my family has this video to remember and see the happy times.
As I posted on my FB status last night:
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
What I thought I Wanted is NOT what I got...
What I thought I wanted, what I got instead Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful
I keep wanting you to be fair
But that's not what you said
When I get to heaven I wanna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I wanna know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken yet faithful...
~(Excerpts from "What I Thought I Wanted" by Sara Groves)
I have been overwhelmingly amazed lately at the number of people who have been or are going through really BIG trials. I don't know if it's increasing in frequency or maybe I just never noticed, but there are so many hurting people. I am one of them.
Most of us, if not all, go through life wanting Happiness. We want a blessed, peaceful, happy life. We almost demand those things as our RIGHT. But God never promised us those things. In fact, this world gives us everything but these things. We have divorce, loss, grief, shame, unfulfilled desires, rejection, hopelessness, despair.
Though God never promised us a "perfect" existence (post-sin in the garden of Eden) - Here's what He did promise us:
What I thought I wanted ... well, it's not what I got. And that's Ok. I thought Blessing and Happiness were the ultimate in living righteous for God, but guess what, they're not. Yes, someday, when the world is rid of Satan and we are all in eternity with Jesus, these things will be the norm.
But for now, I will take the fire - so I might be refined. I'll take the brokenness - so I might be rebuilt in His image. I'll take the rain - so I might grow. I'll take winter - so I can have spring.
What I thought I wanted is NOT what I got, and for now, I'm OK with that!
I keep wanting you to be fair
But that's not what you said
When I get to heaven I wanna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I wanna know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken yet faithful...
~(Excerpts from "What I Thought I Wanted" by Sara Groves)
I have been overwhelmingly amazed lately at the number of people who have been or are going through really BIG trials. I don't know if it's increasing in frequency or maybe I just never noticed, but there are so many hurting people. I am one of them.
Most of us, if not all, go through life wanting Happiness. We want a blessed, peaceful, happy life. We almost demand those things as our RIGHT. But God never promised us those things. In fact, this world gives us everything but these things. We have divorce, loss, grief, shame, unfulfilled desires, rejection, hopelessness, despair.
Though God never promised us a "perfect" existence (post-sin in the garden of Eden) - Here's what He did promise us:
- Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. (Ps 23:4);
- I will never fail you. I will never abandon you. (Heb 13:5);
- When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. (Isaiah 43:2);
- I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. (John 16:33)
What I thought I wanted ... well, it's not what I got. And that's Ok. I thought Blessing and Happiness were the ultimate in living righteous for God, but guess what, they're not. Yes, someday, when the world is rid of Satan and we are all in eternity with Jesus, these things will be the norm.
But for now, I will take the fire - so I might be refined. I'll take the brokenness - so I might be rebuilt in His image. I'll take the rain - so I might grow. I'll take winter - so I can have spring.
What I thought I wanted is NOT what I got, and for now, I'm OK with that!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Two are Better than One!
9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
And has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
This weekend, I had the priviledge of spending sometime with almost 20 ladies in the Pocono Mountains. It was a time of resting, relaxing and relationship. There was no agenda. No schedules. No plans. Just a time of serious R&R. Yes, there were a few times we gathered together for some worship and devotion, but on the most part, the time was "free".
It was a great time. I came out of that time with this thought - You can't walk this life by yourself - PERIOD!
There's too many people out there who are struggling in this life. I find it sad that even women who are part of a thriving community of believers can oftentimes feel alone. It shouldn't be so.
I am very thankful that I am not walking my journey alone. I am VERY blessed to have a few women who have just came alongside me and prayed me through some of the darkest days of my life. Even now, they stick closer than a brother. I truly love these women. I love how God brought them into my life and how He continues to orchestrate our life circumstances so that we can encourage one another, lifting one another up in our times of need, challenging each other to grow and holding each other accountable in various areas of our lives.
The writer of Ecclesiastes was dead on ... you can't do this alone. I encourage you, find someone you can be accountable to...someone you can hold accountable. Start developing that friendship. See where God would take it. It doesn't have to be just one person. The point is, we were never meant to walk this journey alone.
It's hard enough walking this journey - wouldn't it be so much easier with someone by your side?
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
And has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
This weekend, I had the priviledge of spending sometime with almost 20 ladies in the Pocono Mountains. It was a time of resting, relaxing and relationship. There was no agenda. No schedules. No plans. Just a time of serious R&R. Yes, there were a few times we gathered together for some worship and devotion, but on the most part, the time was "free".
It was a great time. I came out of that time with this thought - You can't walk this life by yourself - PERIOD!
There's too many people out there who are struggling in this life. I find it sad that even women who are part of a thriving community of believers can oftentimes feel alone. It shouldn't be so.
I am very thankful that I am not walking my journey alone. I am VERY blessed to have a few women who have just came alongside me and prayed me through some of the darkest days of my life. Even now, they stick closer than a brother. I truly love these women. I love how God brought them into my life and how He continues to orchestrate our life circumstances so that we can encourage one another, lifting one another up in our times of need, challenging each other to grow and holding each other accountable in various areas of our lives.
The writer of Ecclesiastes was dead on ... you can't do this alone. I encourage you, find someone you can be accountable to...someone you can hold accountable. Start developing that friendship. See where God would take it. It doesn't have to be just one person. The point is, we were never meant to walk this journey alone.
It's hard enough walking this journey - wouldn't it be so much easier with someone by your side?
Friday, June 10, 2011
Time to Take Some Time...
mo·ti·vate /ˈmoʊtəˌveɪt/ verb
1 : to give (someone) a reason for doing something
2 : to be a reason for (something)
Motivation. That is the theme of this weeks' Dr. Drill Instructor Program. It's one of the Core Values.
At Boot Camp this morning, Dr Drill talked about Motivation. He talked about finding motivation even when the last thing you want to do is that thing that is in front of you. How, when life throws you obstacles (and life will throw you obstacles), you have to find ways to overcome them and contine - that's motivation.
There have been a lot of obstacles in my life lately. There are a lot of obstacles that get in the way of any life. There's finances, relationships, deaths/births, education, health, etc... There's a lot of reasons (or rather "excuses") for me to give-up, give-in, QUIT!
But I can't. I am motivated. In DDIP, I am motivated to obtain optimal health for myself and those around me. In work, I am motivated to earn my bi-weekly paycheck so I can pay the bills and live life. In my family/friends, I am motivated to maintain and improve relationships. In my church, I am motived to love and serve God out of obedience. But sometimes, motivating yourself is hard, really HARD!
That's when it's time to take some time...
For the past few months, I've been very careful who I've let in. I'm just learning to trust all over again. I'm just starting to feel comfortable meeting new people. Meeting new people means telling my story - it means sharing where I've been over the past few months. That scares me a bit. Just being honest.
But I need some time. I need the time to relax and "let my hair down". I need some time of rest. A time to slow down a bit and reset my bearings. I need some time with God. To get to know His voice again - to quiet myself from the demands and bustle of the everyday so that I can hear Him speaking.
So this weekend, I'm going to take some time!
1 : to give (someone) a reason for doing something
2 : to be a reason for (something)
Motivation. That is the theme of this weeks' Dr. Drill Instructor Program. It's one of the Core Values.
At Boot Camp this morning, Dr Drill talked about Motivation. He talked about finding motivation even when the last thing you want to do is that thing that is in front of you. How, when life throws you obstacles (and life will throw you obstacles), you have to find ways to overcome them and contine - that's motivation.
There have been a lot of obstacles in my life lately. There are a lot of obstacles that get in the way of any life. There's finances, relationships, deaths/births, education, health, etc... There's a lot of reasons (or rather "excuses") for me to give-up, give-in, QUIT!
But I can't. I am motivated. In DDIP, I am motivated to obtain optimal health for myself and those around me. In work, I am motivated to earn my bi-weekly paycheck so I can pay the bills and live life. In my family/friends, I am motivated to maintain and improve relationships. In my church, I am motived to love and serve God out of obedience. But sometimes, motivating yourself is hard, really HARD!
That's when it's time to take some time...
- Time to slow or stop your pace to reset your bearings;
- Time to refresh your body, your soul, your emotions;
- Time to refocus on those things most important.
For the past few months, I've been very careful who I've let in. I'm just learning to trust all over again. I'm just starting to feel comfortable meeting new people. Meeting new people means telling my story - it means sharing where I've been over the past few months. That scares me a bit. Just being honest.
But I need some time. I need the time to relax and "let my hair down". I need some time of rest. A time to slow down a bit and reset my bearings. I need some time with God. To get to know His voice again - to quiet myself from the demands and bustle of the everyday so that I can hear Him speaking.
So this weekend, I'm going to take some time!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
A Letter to God
In the fall, our youth group went on a retreat in the Pocono Mountains. We rented a rather large house and had a great time of fun and devotion together. During the events of the weekend, we were given the opportunity to write a letter to God. I don't remember all that led up to the letter or the direction that was given, but I do remember a little bit about what I wrote. Specifically one phrase that I wrote over and over, "I want to be free."
I had forgotten all the rest.
This past weekend, I got my letter. I opened it up, read it once, put it back in the envelope. At some point in the future, I'll share with you portions of the letter, maybe the whole thing, but what struck me most about the letter is how desperate it felt. I had this desperation to feel FREE. I had felt so bound by so many different things in faith, in life, in work. I was frustrated. I felt boxed-in - somewhat caged.
I had forgotten that feeling - until I read the letter.
I had been feeling so many pressures over the past year. I had felt like so many people were watching me, waiting for me to fail. I was afraid to say how I felt about anything for fear of retribution or mocking. I had dreams and visions that I would not share. I didn't want anyone to step on them. Or shine doubt on them. I had kept all this inside until a point where I thought I would explode.
Funny thing. It took a tragedy in my family to set all this free. It's been 2 1/2 mos since Clarence was killed. And like the Mississippi River that is breaching all the levees in the mid-west...all my emotions, dreams and visions that have been locked-up and caged for so long, have been forced to evacuate.
And that's a good thing.
I am learning to share how I am feeling. I'm learning to trust people that I am sharing my feelings with. I am learning that my beliefs and convictions are just that - mine. And, it's Ok if someone doubts/questions them. They're still mine. I am starting to verbalize some of my dreams without the fear of what others may do or say. God planted these in my heart. Only God can take them away. It really doesn't matter what others think.
I am becoming my own person - the person God intends for me to be.
I know this is only one more step in the journey - there's so much more distance to cover. This letter to God marks where I've been and helps me to see where I'm going. For now, I will accept this and continue to move forward, realizing these roadblocks and hurdles in front of me aren't meant to hurt or hinder, they're meant to help me grow, to shine, to be stronger.
I had forgotten all the rest.
This past weekend, I got my letter. I opened it up, read it once, put it back in the envelope. At some point in the future, I'll share with you portions of the letter, maybe the whole thing, but what struck me most about the letter is how desperate it felt. I had this desperation to feel FREE. I had felt so bound by so many different things in faith, in life, in work. I was frustrated. I felt boxed-in - somewhat caged.
I had forgotten that feeling - until I read the letter.
I had been feeling so many pressures over the past year. I had felt like so many people were watching me, waiting for me to fail. I was afraid to say how I felt about anything for fear of retribution or mocking. I had dreams and visions that I would not share. I didn't want anyone to step on them. Or shine doubt on them. I had kept all this inside until a point where I thought I would explode.
Funny thing. It took a tragedy in my family to set all this free. It's been 2 1/2 mos since Clarence was killed. And like the Mississippi River that is breaching all the levees in the mid-west...all my emotions, dreams and visions that have been locked-up and caged for so long, have been forced to evacuate.
And that's a good thing.
I am learning to share how I am feeling. I'm learning to trust people that I am sharing my feelings with. I am learning that my beliefs and convictions are just that - mine. And, it's Ok if someone doubts/questions them. They're still mine. I am starting to verbalize some of my dreams without the fear of what others may do or say. God planted these in my heart. Only God can take them away. It really doesn't matter what others think.
I am becoming my own person - the person God intends for me to be.
I know this is only one more step in the journey - there's so much more distance to cover. This letter to God marks where I've been and helps me to see where I'm going. For now, I will accept this and continue to move forward, realizing these roadblocks and hurdles in front of me aren't meant to hurt or hinder, they're meant to help me grow, to shine, to be stronger.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
What Is it About Being Honest?
Honesty. It's something I say I want. I want others to be honest. I want to be honest. But honestly, I'm afraid of it. I feel a certain way, but if I were honest with how I felt, someone might think differently about me.
Sometimes, others' honesty scares me too. I don't want to hear the honest truth sometimes. I want to be coddled. I want to be affirmed. I want to know that I am always right (even in the rare chance that I am not). But when asked my honest opinion, I sometimes fail. Not that I lie, I know better than to lie. But I might "spiffy-up" that honesty, try to make it look as good as possible - like putting a big red ribbon on a grenade!
Here's where I see the problem. I've spent so much time hiding all my "honesty", tucking it away in the recesses of my heart and mind. Many others have done the same. It's been done for so long, that it's become all to common-place for me to just tuck away every feeling, every emotion, every insecurity.
Honestly, I'm full to overflowing with all the "tucked-away" junk. It's not that I want to call an Honesty-Auction House and have all my "honesty"s auctioned away on my front-lawn. That would not be pretty. But I am slowly unfolding, untucking, unpackaging all these feelings, emotions, insecurities. I've found that this is going take a VERY LONG TIME!
I don't want to vomit this all over. It wont be pretty. Not that the slower process is any prettier. But what I'm finding is that maybe it's a learning process. Instead of just taking everything out at once and trying to organize the chaos, that maybe there's a simpler process of handling each "honesty" one at a time.
Normally, this is where I would end my post - leaving it somewhat vague in how I would / am resolving this struggle. I am not claiming to have the answer or anything remotely close.
But here's what I am doing:
Sometimes, others' honesty scares me too. I don't want to hear the honest truth sometimes. I want to be coddled. I want to be affirmed. I want to know that I am always right (even in the rare chance that I am not). But when asked my honest opinion, I sometimes fail. Not that I lie, I know better than to lie. But I might "spiffy-up" that honesty, try to make it look as good as possible - like putting a big red ribbon on a grenade!
Here's where I see the problem. I've spent so much time hiding all my "honesty", tucking it away in the recesses of my heart and mind. Many others have done the same. It's been done for so long, that it's become all to common-place for me to just tuck away every feeling, every emotion, every insecurity.
Honestly, I'm full to overflowing with all the "tucked-away" junk. It's not that I want to call an Honesty-Auction House and have all my "honesty"s auctioned away on my front-lawn. That would not be pretty. But I am slowly unfolding, untucking, unpackaging all these feelings, emotions, insecurities. I've found that this is going take a VERY LONG TIME!
I don't want to vomit this all over. It wont be pretty. Not that the slower process is any prettier. But what I'm finding is that maybe it's a learning process. Instead of just taking everything out at once and trying to organize the chaos, that maybe there's a simpler process of handling each "honesty" one at a time.
Normally, this is where I would end my post - leaving it somewhat vague in how I would / am resolving this struggle. I am not claiming to have the answer or anything remotely close.
But here's what I am doing:
- I am not tucking away anymore of these new feelings and emotions. I am addressing them. If I need to pray about them - I pray. If I need to talk about them - I talk. If I need to talk with someone - I talk with that someone. I don't just put it away for a rainy day - knowing that rainy day will never come.
- As I address the new issues, some of the old ones are able to be cleaned-out in the process, since they tend to be related. This is helping in the "unfolding" process.
- I continue to trust God to help me, knowing that this is not overnight. This is not "once and done". I will always wrestle with some of these issues - I will always have to deal with feelings, emotions, insecurities. But, I will always have God walking with me through them all and can trust He will not let me stumble, He will not let me fail.
Friday, May 27, 2011
When the Wind Blows...what's left?
There's been a lot in the news lately about massive deadly tornados. They have swept fiercely through the midwest, they have also struck, yet not so fierce, locally. When the wind blew, the houses came down. Businesses were destroyed. Lives were lost. Many were affected.
I've seen some of the pictures coming out of Joplin, MO. It's utter destruction. I was in New Orleans just a week after Hurricanes Rita and Katrina - there were towns where absolutely nothing was left...just cement foundations.
It made me think of recent events in my own life and the lives of those around me. There have been some pretty devastating winds blowing, shaking, knocking down and destroying many pillars that I thought were set permanently. These pillars were faith, hope, trust, security, comfort, peace and made up of so many more things.
When the winds died down, the rains stopped pouring, the dust settled - It was all gone. Everything was destroyed. Except one thing, the foundation.
Reminds me of the verse in Matthew 7:25: The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.
My faith is built on the foundation of Jesus Christ. My faith in Him is Rock Solid. My assurance of Salvation because of Jesus dying on the cross for my sins - that's Rock Solid. I am ok (for now) with this fact - my foundation is solid, but everything else, it's been shaken. Some things have been utterly destroyed no longer to be seen. Others, they are crushed, broken, destroyed. And I stand here staring wondering what happened and why.
My question is - when, not if, the winds blow and the storms come, what is your foundation set on? Is it set on sinking sand, to be washed away at the first sign of trouble? Or is your foundation set on the Rock - Jesus Christ?
Everything else might be broken. It might be crushed. It might be washed away. But where is your faith - is it still set in Christ?
I challenge you to look deep inside yourself and look at the foundations (those sure foundations we mere mortals tend to build on) and test them. Are they "storm" ready? Are they "wind" proof? If it's not built on Christ, I can guarantee you this one thing - the answer is no!
I've seen some of the pictures coming out of Joplin, MO. It's utter destruction. I was in New Orleans just a week after Hurricanes Rita and Katrina - there were towns where absolutely nothing was left...just cement foundations.
It made me think of recent events in my own life and the lives of those around me. There have been some pretty devastating winds blowing, shaking, knocking down and destroying many pillars that I thought were set permanently. These pillars were faith, hope, trust, security, comfort, peace and made up of so many more things.
When the winds died down, the rains stopped pouring, the dust settled - It was all gone. Everything was destroyed. Except one thing, the foundation.
Reminds me of the verse in Matthew 7:25: The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.
My faith is built on the foundation of Jesus Christ. My faith in Him is Rock Solid. My assurance of Salvation because of Jesus dying on the cross for my sins - that's Rock Solid. I am ok (for now) with this fact - my foundation is solid, but everything else, it's been shaken. Some things have been utterly destroyed no longer to be seen. Others, they are crushed, broken, destroyed. And I stand here staring wondering what happened and why.
My question is - when, not if, the winds blow and the storms come, what is your foundation set on? Is it set on sinking sand, to be washed away at the first sign of trouble? Or is your foundation set on the Rock - Jesus Christ?
Everything else might be broken. It might be crushed. It might be washed away. But where is your faith - is it still set in Christ?
I challenge you to look deep inside yourself and look at the foundations (those sure foundations we mere mortals tend to build on) and test them. Are they "storm" ready? Are they "wind" proof? If it's not built on Christ, I can guarantee you this one thing - the answer is no!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Wanna fight?
Wanna fight? I do. I just wanna punch something.
For some reason, this is an urge that just wont go away. On the most part, I have been doing well, but every once in awhile, I just have these moments where I feel a little out of control and need to release some aggression.
That's how I feel at this moment. Need to let out some steam or I might blow.
Gonna go take a walk, have a little talk with Jesus. I think that might be a good idea...right about now!
For some reason, this is an urge that just wont go away. On the most part, I have been doing well, but every once in awhile, I just have these moments where I feel a little out of control and need to release some aggression.
That's how I feel at this moment. Need to let out some steam or I might blow.
Gonna go take a walk, have a little talk with Jesus. I think that might be a good idea...right about now!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Can One Truly Forgive and Harbor Anger?
Let me just preface this post with this - I am not providing the answer (I'm not so sure what it is yet), but just posing the question as food for thought...
This was a question posed on the radio station this morning, it made me think: seriously now, can you truly have forgiven someone that you harbor anger over? Hmmm...good question.
I guess I haven't thought this question through. I know I've verbally said, "I forgive T.Y. for what he did", but I still have anger in my heart. Not sure exactly if that anger is towards him, the situation or just all the junk that's floated to the surface in the process. But have I truly forgiven?
If I am just angry at the situation, have I forgiven him? But, the situation wouldn't be there if he didn't play the part...so, am I angry at the situation or the situation that he caused which means that I am angry at him?
Can we, as mere mortal beings, with finite minds and limited use of our brains, truly ever forgive someone? I think it's a good question. It's easy to say, "I forgive you". Remember those moments as kids when your parents "made you" say you're sorry to a sibling? You didn't really mean it, you just said it to avoid getting in trouble (well, at least that's what I did). In fact, I HATED saying I was sorry. When my parents gave the ultimatum of being spanked or saying I'm sorry, I always chose the spanking. Somehow, it was less painful to me.
So,to the question posed:
I say, maybe. I know I'm taking the right steps. I've said it. I mean it. I'm working through the anger that is the result of everything that has happened. I'm using a 10-gallon sized skimmer to clean-up the olympic sized pool of floating junk in my life (hey, at least I'm trying).
I'm going to do a little more reading on this subject - it truly has me intrigued.
I'd like to hear some of your thoughts - Theological or practical!
This was a question posed on the radio station this morning, it made me think: seriously now, can you truly have forgiven someone that you harbor anger over? Hmmm...good question.
I guess I haven't thought this question through. I know I've verbally said, "I forgive T.Y. for what he did", but I still have anger in my heart. Not sure exactly if that anger is towards him, the situation or just all the junk that's floated to the surface in the process. But have I truly forgiven?
If I am just angry at the situation, have I forgiven him? But, the situation wouldn't be there if he didn't play the part...so, am I angry at the situation or the situation that he caused which means that I am angry at him?
Can we, as mere mortal beings, with finite minds and limited use of our brains, truly ever forgive someone? I think it's a good question. It's easy to say, "I forgive you". Remember those moments as kids when your parents "made you" say you're sorry to a sibling? You didn't really mean it, you just said it to avoid getting in trouble (well, at least that's what I did). In fact, I HATED saying I was sorry. When my parents gave the ultimatum of being spanked or saying I'm sorry, I always chose the spanking. Somehow, it was less painful to me.
So,to the question posed:
Can One Truly Forgive and Harbor Anger?
I say, maybe. I know I'm taking the right steps. I've said it. I mean it. I'm working through the anger that is the result of everything that has happened. I'm using a 10-gallon sized skimmer to clean-up the olympic sized pool of floating junk in my life (hey, at least I'm trying).
I'm going to do a little more reading on this subject - it truly has me intrigued.
I'd like to hear some of your thoughts - Theological or practical!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I understand...but do I?
I have been asking myself the question a lot lately, "Can one ever truly understand the pain/suffering/emotion of another?"
Sure, we can have similar experiences. Sure, we can laugh, we can cry. Sure, our situational circumstances may have been similar, but can we ever truly know what is happening in another's heart? Each one of us comes to the table with different family upbringings. We have life experiences, close calls, emotional breakdowns, losses, gains. Times of trial, times of great celebration. Each of our life experiences are different. I am amazed at even how different those in the same family can be in times of great emotion, based on personality and varying experiences, interests, etc.
Yesterday, I hugged the mother and father of a 9-yr old girl who was raped, beaten and strangled. I was compelled to do it by some deep calling that in some small way, I knew how they were feeling. But I could never really know their pain. I could never know what it is to lose your daughter in that manner. Here's what I do know - the terrible shock and denial that comes within hours of the realization that your loved one is no longer with you. I can know the ache in the heart that feels like an eternal darkness that could never be extinguished. I know the emptiness. I know the darkness.
I wanted to have words for them that would breathe life into the emptiness. I wanted to say something that would bring hope and light. But there was only one - "You're not alone". It's all I had. Those words were a constant reminder to me, hopefully, they will be a reminder for them.
I still don't think I could even begin to understand the great lost they are experiencing. I understand loss, but do I understand their loss? Nope. I'm not even going to pretend.
But I'm not going to avoid them just because they are grieving and hurting. That's the ABSOLUTE worst thing I could do. So, compelled by Love and empathy, I pushed my way through a tight crowd of family, friends and onlookers and found my way to each of the parents - hugged them and told them - "You're not alone."
Sure, we can have similar experiences. Sure, we can laugh, we can cry. Sure, our situational circumstances may have been similar, but can we ever truly know what is happening in another's heart? Each one of us comes to the table with different family upbringings. We have life experiences, close calls, emotional breakdowns, losses, gains. Times of trial, times of great celebration. Each of our life experiences are different. I am amazed at even how different those in the same family can be in times of great emotion, based on personality and varying experiences, interests, etc.
Yesterday, I hugged the mother and father of a 9-yr old girl who was raped, beaten and strangled. I was compelled to do it by some deep calling that in some small way, I knew how they were feeling. But I could never really know their pain. I could never know what it is to lose your daughter in that manner. Here's what I do know - the terrible shock and denial that comes within hours of the realization that your loved one is no longer with you. I can know the ache in the heart that feels like an eternal darkness that could never be extinguished. I know the emptiness. I know the darkness.
I wanted to have words for them that would breathe life into the emptiness. I wanted to say something that would bring hope and light. But there was only one - "You're not alone". It's all I had. Those words were a constant reminder to me, hopefully, they will be a reminder for them.
I still don't think I could even begin to understand the great lost they are experiencing. I understand loss, but do I understand their loss? Nope. I'm not even going to pretend.
But I'm not going to avoid them just because they are grieving and hurting. That's the ABSOLUTE worst thing I could do. So, compelled by Love and empathy, I pushed my way through a tight crowd of family, friends and onlookers and found my way to each of the parents - hugged them and told them - "You're not alone."
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
This Stew is Done!
It seems that I have been stewing...the heat is on, my blood is boiling, chunks of me are start to stick to the bottom. Somebody needs to turn off the heat!
That's how I feel. I'm realizing it doesn't take much, heck, I don't even need a reason, to boil over. Just one question, one comment, one action. Where's my coach for Anger Management???
AND I'M STILL ASKING - WHEN CAN I HIT SOMETHING!?!?
I have been a little edgy lately, I'll admit. I've been overly tired, my body is exhausted, my emotions are drained. I just need a little rest, some relaxation and a mental vacation. The Broad Street run on Sunday took all my physical energy - my muscles are still recovering. I haven't been getting enough sleep. My work is, well, understimulation, underchallenging and underpaying.
I feel like something needs to change.
I've been making changes, however small they are, to help in this process. I've been attempting an earlier start to my night routine, in hopes of a few more minutes of sleep. My schedule is practically non-existent (except for the weekends in which there is no free-time). I've limited my interactions with mostly people I can trust who build me up. But I'm still stewing.
I know, I know. The best sauce takes days to cook, but man, the heat is hot and I just need a few moments to cool off. Plus, I think this stew is done!
Just saying.
That's how I feel. I'm realizing it doesn't take much, heck, I don't even need a reason, to boil over. Just one question, one comment, one action. Where's my coach for Anger Management???
AND I'M STILL ASKING - WHEN CAN I HIT SOMETHING!?!?
I have been a little edgy lately, I'll admit. I've been overly tired, my body is exhausted, my emotions are drained. I just need a little rest, some relaxation and a mental vacation. The Broad Street run on Sunday took all my physical energy - my muscles are still recovering. I haven't been getting enough sleep. My work is, well, understimulation, underchallenging and underpaying.
I feel like something needs to change.
I've been making changes, however small they are, to help in this process. I've been attempting an earlier start to my night routine, in hopes of a few more minutes of sleep. My schedule is practically non-existent (except for the weekends in which there is no free-time). I've limited my interactions with mostly people I can trust who build me up. But I'm still stewing.
I know, I know. The best sauce takes days to cook, but man, the heat is hot and I just need a few moments to cool off. Plus, I think this stew is done!
Just saying.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
A Gentle Reminder
For the past two days, God has been sending me a gentle reminder of His love and grace. This morning, I heard this song "Glorious Day" by Casting Crowns, and I cried. The tears just flowed as I was reminded of what's to come.
One day when Heaven was filled with His praises / One day when sin was as black as could be
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin / Dwelt among men, my example is He
Word became flesh and the light shined among us / His glory revealed
Living, He loved me / Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away / Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming / Oh glorious day, oh glorious day
One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain / One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected / Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He
Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree / And took the nails for me
Living, He loved me / Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away / Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming / Oh glorious day, oh glorious day
One day the grave could conceal Him no longer / One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered / Now is ascended, my Lord evermore
Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him / From rising again
Living, He loved me / Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away / Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming / Oh glorious day, oh glorious day
One day the trumpet will sound for His coming / One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One bringing / My Savior Jesus is mine
Living, He loved me / Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away / Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming / Oh glorious day, oh glorious day
[Mariann again]: As much as the daily reminders are there of the hurts, the pains, the losses, the shame...I am reminded that it is all temporary. I am just a sojourner passing through. This life - it's just temporary. Someday, the pain will be gone. The loss will be lost. The tears wiped away. Sorrows - gone. Shame - gone. Guilt - gone.
Last night I was talking with some friends about how I will be around until that last day of my 120th year (as per the scriptures saying man's days are just 120 yrs). But the more I think of that, I'm not so sure I want to be around for 120 years. This world, even with all it's joys and triumphs, is nothing compared to the eternal world that I will spend in eternity.
So why would I want to spend even one extra day here when I can be there?
The only reason - people. There are so many people here to love and be loved by. I want to live this life to it's fullest, to be filled with love and compassion for others. To love on the unloveable, to encourage and care for those who can't care for themselves. To be a simple hope for those who have none. To point them to the One who sees all, knows all, loves all - even when we don't understand (even when I don't understand).
Love is the only reason.
But the reminder is still there:
One day the trumpet will sound for His coming / One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One bringing / My Savior Jesus is mine
Oh boy - I can't wait!
One day when Heaven was filled with His praises / One day when sin was as black as could be
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin / Dwelt among men, my example is He
Word became flesh and the light shined among us / His glory revealed
Living, He loved me / Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away / Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming / Oh glorious day, oh glorious day
One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain / One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected / Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He
Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree / And took the nails for me
Living, He loved me / Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away / Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming / Oh glorious day, oh glorious day
One day the grave could conceal Him no longer / One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered / Now is ascended, my Lord evermore
Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him / From rising again
Living, He loved me / Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away / Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming / Oh glorious day, oh glorious day
One day the trumpet will sound for His coming / One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One bringing / My Savior Jesus is mine
Living, He loved me / Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away / Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming / Oh glorious day, oh glorious day
[Mariann again]: As much as the daily reminders are there of the hurts, the pains, the losses, the shame...I am reminded that it is all temporary. I am just a sojourner passing through. This life - it's just temporary. Someday, the pain will be gone. The loss will be lost. The tears wiped away. Sorrows - gone. Shame - gone. Guilt - gone.
Last night I was talking with some friends about how I will be around until that last day of my 120th year (as per the scriptures saying man's days are just 120 yrs). But the more I think of that, I'm not so sure I want to be around for 120 years. This world, even with all it's joys and triumphs, is nothing compared to the eternal world that I will spend in eternity.
So why would I want to spend even one extra day here when I can be there?
The only reason - people. There are so many people here to love and be loved by. I want to live this life to it's fullest, to be filled with love and compassion for others. To love on the unloveable, to encourage and care for those who can't care for themselves. To be a simple hope for those who have none. To point them to the One who sees all, knows all, loves all - even when we don't understand (even when I don't understand).
Love is the only reason.
But the reminder is still there:
One day the trumpet will sound for His coming / One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One bringing / My Savior Jesus is mine
Oh boy - I can't wait!
Monday, May 2, 2011
It is well
This morning as I was driving to work, I switched my radio station over and they were playing my favorite hymn. ( http://youtu.be/cv5V3bY6qlII ) I started singing along and found myself unable to continue. My voice was quaking and tears started forming. All I could think about was what a powerful hymn.
The man who wrote this hymn did so while sailing to Europe around the spot where his 4 daughters were lost at sea. Even though he was suffering a tremendous amount of grief, his focus wasn't completely on that. He was writing about the overwhelming grief and pain he was feeling, but He focused on his salvation and Jesus' redemptive work on the cross and that final day when He (God) will triumphantly return and those who are in Him will be taken to be with Him forever.
But the best part, He will wipe away our tears. All our sorrows will be gone. The pains will be gone. The sickness will be gone. The doubts/fears - gone. Everything that has hurt us, everything that has grieved us - GONE! And, we too shall sing victoriously, "IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!"
"It Is Well With my Soul"
H. G. Spafford
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, / When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, / It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain
It is well, with my soul, / It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, / Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, / And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
Refrain
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! / My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, / Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
Refrain
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: / If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life / Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
Refrain
But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, / The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord! / Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!
Refrain
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, / The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, / Even so, it is well with my soul.
The man who wrote this hymn did so while sailing to Europe around the spot where his 4 daughters were lost at sea. Even though he was suffering a tremendous amount of grief, his focus wasn't completely on that. He was writing about the overwhelming grief and pain he was feeling, but He focused on his salvation and Jesus' redemptive work on the cross and that final day when He (God) will triumphantly return and those who are in Him will be taken to be with Him forever.
But the best part, He will wipe away our tears. All our sorrows will be gone. The pains will be gone. The sickness will be gone. The doubts/fears - gone. Everything that has hurt us, everything that has grieved us - GONE! And, we too shall sing victoriously, "IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!"
"It Is Well With my Soul"
H. G. Spafford
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, / When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, / It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain
It is well, with my soul, / It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, / Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, / And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
Refrain
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! / My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, / Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
Refrain
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: / If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life / Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
Refrain
But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, / The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord! / Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!
Refrain
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, / The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, / Even so, it is well with my soul.
Friday, April 29, 2011
It's not a checklist...
I am a checklist person, per se. I like to write out my list of tasks and have the personal pleasure of crossing, checking (sometimes both) the item off the list. At work, I like to write out Action Plans to list out all the smaller projects needed in order to complete the larger overall project. I get a little excited when I get to check off one of the projects bringing me ever closer to completing the project.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about this grief process I am going through. There's 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I mentally have these listed in my mind. As I deal with any of the stages, I mentally check-it off in my mind.
Here's the problem...
As I felt I've "dealt" with a stage, I checked it off with the thought, "Next". And in my own twisted way, considered it done. But that's not the way this is working for me. I'm realizing, the grief/trauma process is not a checklist. I can't go through a stage and think "once and done".
As I've dealt with different emotions, challenges, questions - checking them off the list - I've been amazed, somewhat shocked that they keep coming back. Ugh!
I know. I know. This isn't a simple process, moving from one stage to the next. But man. I sure wish it could be!
I just have to remember - this is not a checklist.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about this grief process I am going through. There's 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I mentally have these listed in my mind. As I deal with any of the stages, I mentally check-it off in my mind.
Here's the problem...
As I felt I've "dealt" with a stage, I checked it off with the thought, "Next". And in my own twisted way, considered it done. But that's not the way this is working for me. I'm realizing, the grief/trauma process is not a checklist. I can't go through a stage and think "once and done".
As I've dealt with different emotions, challenges, questions - checking them off the list - I've been amazed, somewhat shocked that they keep coming back. Ugh!
I know. I know. This isn't a simple process, moving from one stage to the next. But man. I sure wish it could be!
I just have to remember - this is not a checklist.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Is it normal?
I keep asking myself this question, "Is it normal?"
It is in reference to a whole gammut of issues and struggles and feelings that I am going through. I just want to know if it's normal. Can I just be honest for a moment? I have a few questions...
Is it normal for me not to want to read my Bible? I pray. I've been talking to God, but have had no desire in recent days to read the Bible. It's like I purposely have avoided it. Is that normal?
Is it normal for me to pray and worship God, but when certain songs or issues regarding God being our protector, our strong tower, our safe refuge arise...I go silent. Cause, I'm not so sure right now.
Is it normal for someone who has little to no fear (or conquered fears) when in a situation where I am alone in my home and I have no plans or anyone to talk with...I'm full of fears?
Is it normal for me to start "doubting" relationships and personal abilities I was so comfortable and confident in?
Is it normal for someone who never shares what she's feeling to put it out there on a blog for anyone to read?
Probably not. But circumstances that have surrounded my life in the past 6 weeks haven't been all that normal now have they?
For those who might be concerned - I am working on each of these questions/issues in my life. I ask the questions - put them out there - because I believe that verbalizing what I'm thinking or feeling is much healthier than stewing on them in the recesses of my mind. And maybe, just maybe, there are others who are asking themselves the same questions - or their own questions - or those who have gone through similar circumstances that may be able to offer helpful advice from their own experience.
I would love to hear some of your strategies/thoughts on how you've overcome or are working on overcoming these questions. I welcome your thoughts and experiences.
It is in reference to a whole gammut of issues and struggles and feelings that I am going through. I just want to know if it's normal. Can I just be honest for a moment? I have a few questions...
Is it normal for me not to want to read my Bible? I pray. I've been talking to God, but have had no desire in recent days to read the Bible. It's like I purposely have avoided it. Is that normal?
Is it normal for me to pray and worship God, but when certain songs or issues regarding God being our protector, our strong tower, our safe refuge arise...I go silent. Cause, I'm not so sure right now.
Is it normal for someone who has little to no fear (or conquered fears) when in a situation where I am alone in my home and I have no plans or anyone to talk with...I'm full of fears?
Is it normal for me to start "doubting" relationships and personal abilities I was so comfortable and confident in?
Is it normal for someone who never shares what she's feeling to put it out there on a blog for anyone to read?
Probably not. But circumstances that have surrounded my life in the past 6 weeks haven't been all that normal now have they?
For those who might be concerned - I am working on each of these questions/issues in my life. I ask the questions - put them out there - because I believe that verbalizing what I'm thinking or feeling is much healthier than stewing on them in the recesses of my mind. And maybe, just maybe, there are others who are asking themselves the same questions - or their own questions - or those who have gone through similar circumstances that may be able to offer helpful advice from their own experience.
I would love to hear some of your strategies/thoughts on how you've overcome or are working on overcoming these questions. I welcome your thoughts and experiences.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Why fight it?
Why do I fight it? I try so hard to stay in control, but why?
Ultimately, I can't control it. I can't even influence it in either direction. I might be able to delay it - for a time, but the inevitable still comes. Yet, I still fight it. Don't judge me - you do too.
We try to fight the flood of emotion that comes at most unwanted, unexpected times. For me, this has been the organic food section of the grocery store or the CD aisle at my local christian bookstore or while washing dishes in the kitchen or while driving home and seeing a beautiful sunset. It comes from seemingly no where, first the heaviness of heart, then the aching, then anger, the deep breaths, and then a flood of tears that I try so desperately to hold back.
I've given in to the fact that its so much easier and less painful to just "go with it". And then, as quickly as it comes, it's gone. The only remnant is the salt stains on my cheeks and the slow, methodical breathing...the sense that I've released into God's hands all the hurts and pains and emotions, in liquid form. For some odd reason, there is a comfort in knowing that God has stored those tears. That those tears somehow bring about healing. That release is a process for helping me grow, mature and prepare for God's plan.
So I ask again, why fight it?
Ultimately, I can't control it. I can't even influence it in either direction. I might be able to delay it - for a time, but the inevitable still comes. Yet, I still fight it. Don't judge me - you do too.
We try to fight the flood of emotion that comes at most unwanted, unexpected times. For me, this has been the organic food section of the grocery store or the CD aisle at my local christian bookstore or while washing dishes in the kitchen or while driving home and seeing a beautiful sunset. It comes from seemingly no where, first the heaviness of heart, then the aching, then anger, the deep breaths, and then a flood of tears that I try so desperately to hold back.
I've given in to the fact that its so much easier and less painful to just "go with it". And then, as quickly as it comes, it's gone. The only remnant is the salt stains on my cheeks and the slow, methodical breathing...the sense that I've released into God's hands all the hurts and pains and emotions, in liquid form. For some odd reason, there is a comfort in knowing that God has stored those tears. That those tears somehow bring about healing. That release is a process for helping me grow, mature and prepare for God's plan.
So I ask again, why fight it?
Monday, April 25, 2011
Please - Pray Me Through
I heard this song the other day that just struck a chord with me. I have felt very much like there are people that have surrounded me and I know are praying me through. (Thanks Dana, Diane and the countless others).
Pray You Through - Sixteen Cities
The walls are closing in / You feel alone, you feel afraid
Your heart begins to bend / You take a breath and then
It starts to break
I'm all out of words / There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt / So let me pray you through
Let me pray you through
So lift your shaking hands / Don't say a word
I'll stay with you / The tears will heal the pain
You shouldn't be ashamed / To come undone
I'm all out of words / There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt / So let me pray you through
Let me pray you through
Fall down / And let me carry you / I'll carry you
I'm all out of words / There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt / So let me pray you through
Let me pray you through...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rpDxBYNKTg
...for your listening pleasure!
Pray You Through - Sixteen Cities
The walls are closing in / You feel alone, you feel afraid
Your heart begins to bend / You take a breath and then
It starts to break
I'm all out of words / There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt / So let me pray you through
Let me pray you through
So lift your shaking hands / Don't say a word
I'll stay with you / The tears will heal the pain
You shouldn't be ashamed / To come undone
I'm all out of words / There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt / So let me pray you through
Let me pray you through
Fall down / And let me carry you / I'll carry you
I'm all out of words / There's nothing I could say to you
To take away the hurt / So let me pray you through
Let me pray you through...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rpDxBYNKTg
...for your listening pleasure!
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