Today marks 4 mos since our lives were turned upside down. Although I never want anyone to EVER go through this...I wouldnt change what God has done in my life.

It comes in Waves...

Recently, I had the opportunity to go to the shore with my 2 nephews and their friend.  We spent the day on the boardwalk, basking in the sun and playing in the Ocean.  One of the things that I like about the ocean is the waves.  Nothing like a little wave to bring out the kid in an adult.  I like watching for the tide pulling out and then the rising of the water as it turns to a wave and washes over you. When it's just right, it flips you, moves you, causes you to lose control.  I just get all giddy and joyful inside when that happens and I let it take me for a ride!

Yet today, I was hit with a wave, but not the "all giddy and joyful inside" kind.  I've been watching the waters of my emotions and life go out for what seems like awhile now.  There's been an anticipation that very soon, this wave was going to come rolling in.  I've been able to dodge it and run from it for a period of time, but sooner or later, I knew it would come. 

And right now, it's starting to roll over me.  I've been avoiding it by running in various directions.  I've put my affections on other things, allowing distractions to come my way.  I've even allowed my heart and mind to go astray from their "normal" path of life. 

But here comes the wave.  I was thinking wouldn't it be nice to forget those things that are hurtful, broken or lost?  For a moment I was thinking of our loss and how easily it seems we package things away.  Clarence is not forgotten, he's been tucked away as if he were a momento to be brought out in a time of nostalgia.  Then, it came.  A wave of emotion I haven't felt in a few weeks/months.  A longing for something that is lost, never to be recovered again.  I can't tuck him away as if he were a momento from a summer vacation or a photo to be scrapbooked. 

He is my nephew, a part of my heart.  Part of my heart will always be missing because he is missing.  Just because I don't speak about him doesn't mean I have forgotten.  It usually means that it's too difficult for me to deal with the emotion that comes when I do.

But for now, the wave is doing it's job - rolling over me, consuming me with its current.  I will allow myself to be moved and swayed by it.  I will allow it to move me where it will.

Just went to the place where I tried to talk my first person out of getting saved. Thank God she was llistening to God and persisted I pray with her.

Going back to the beginning is not always starting over but can be a time of remembering where you came from and why you're where you are.

A Time of Remembrance...

Last night, I sat with a friend and watched a photo video that was put together to remember my nephew Clarence.  It was a collage of photos, a video and a voice exerpt of Clarence's life.  It was a necessary reminder of the life that Clarence lived and how I (as well as all my family) was able to be a part of it.

I thought it would be sad.  I thought maybe I'd blow through a box of tissues.  That was not the case.  Yeah, there were some tears.  There were moments I could not breath.  But I was happy, in remembrance of him.  The photos painted a tapestry of the life he lived.  It doesn't take much to realize he was a joyful young man.  He enjoyed life.  He almost always had a smile on his face.

A friend reminded me, it's good to remember.  And it's good that my family has this video to remember and see the happy times. 

As I posted on my FB status last night:
I am remembering... and remembering is not always sad.  I was reminded, there are Happy memories and those...are worth remembering.

What I thought I Wanted is NOT what I got...

What I thought I wanted, what I got instead Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful
I keep wanting you to be fair
But that's not what you said
When I get to heaven I wanna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I wanna know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken yet faithful...
                     ~(Excerpts from "What I Thought I Wanted" by Sara Groves)

I have been overwhelmingly amazed lately at the number of people who have been or are going through really BIG trials.  I don't know if it's increasing in frequency or maybe I just never noticed, but there are so many hurting people.  I am one of them.

Most of us, if not all, go through life wanting Happiness.  We want a blessed, peaceful, happy life.  We almost demand those things as our RIGHT.  But God never promised us those things.  In fact, this world gives us everything but these things.  We have divorce, loss, grief, shame, unfulfilled desires, rejection, hopelessness, despair.

Though God never promised us a "perfect" existence (post-sin in the garden of Eden) - Here's what He did promise us:

• Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. (Ps 23:4);
• I will never fail you. I will never abandon you. (Heb 13:5);
• When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.  (Isaiah 43:2);
• I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.  (John 16:33)

What I thought I wanted ... well, it's not what I got.  And that's Ok.  I thought Blessing and Happiness were the ultimate in living righteous for God, but guess what, they're not.  Yes, someday, when the world is rid of Satan and we are all in eternity with Jesus, these things will be the norm. 

But for now, I will take the fire - so I might be refined.  I'll take the brokenness - so I might be rebuilt in His image.  I'll take the rain - so I might grow.  I'll take winter - so I can have spring.

What I thought I wanted is NOT what I got, and for now, I'm OK with that!

Two are Better than One!

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
And has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
                                       ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

This weekend, I had the priviledge of spending sometime with almost 20 ladies in the Pocono Mountains.  It was a time of resting, relaxing and relationship.  There was no agenda.  No schedules.  No plans.  Just a time of serious R&R.  Yes, there were a few times we gathered together for some worship and devotion, but on the most part, the time was "free". 

It was a great time.  I came out of that time with this thought - You can't walk this life by yourself - PERIOD! 

There's too many people out there who are struggling in this life.  I find it sad that even women who are part of a thriving community of believers can oftentimes feel alone.  It shouldn't be so. 

I am very thankful that I am not walking my journey alone.  I am VERY blessed to have a few women who have just came alongside me and prayed me through some of the darkest days of my life.  Even now, they stick closer than a brother.  I truly love these women.  I love how God brought them into my life and how He continues to orchestrate our life circumstances so that we can encourage one another, lifting one another up in our times of need, challenging each other to grow and holding each other accountable in various areas of our lives.

The writer of Ecclesiastes was dead on ... you can't do this alone.  I encourage you, find someone you can be accountable to...someone you can hold accountable.  Start developing that friendship.  See where God would take it.  It doesn't have to be just one person.  The point is, we were never meant to walk this journey alone. 

It's hard enough walking this journey - wouldn't it be so much easier with someone by your side?