A Letter to God

In the fall, our youth group went on a retreat in the Pocono Mountains.  We rented a rather large house and had a great time of fun and devotion together.  During the events of the weekend, we were given the opportunity to write a letter to God.  I don't remember all that led up to the letter or the direction that was given, but I do remember a little bit about what I wrote.  Specifically one phrase that I wrote over and over, "I want to be free."

I had forgotten all the rest.

This past weekend, I got my letter.  I opened it up, read it once, put it back in the envelope.  At some point in the future, I'll share with you portions of the letter, maybe the whole thing, but what struck me most about the letter is how desperate it felt.  I had this desperation to feel FREE.  I had felt so bound by so many different things in faith, in life, in work.  I was frustrated.  I felt boxed-in - somewhat caged. 

I had forgotten that feeling - until I read the letter.

I had been feeling so many pressures over the past year.  I had felt like so many people were watching me, waiting for me to fail.  I was afraid to say how I felt about anything for fear of retribution or mocking.  I had dreams and visions that I would not share.  I didn't want anyone to step on them.  Or shine doubt on them.  I had kept all this inside until a point where I thought I would explode.

Funny thing.  It took a tragedy in my family to set all this free.  It's been 2 1/2 mos since Clarence was killed.  And like the Mississippi River that is breaching all the levees in the mid-west...all my emotions, dreams and visions that have been locked-up and caged for so long, have been forced to evacuate.

And that's a good thing.

I am learning to share how I am feeling.  I'm learning to trust people that I am sharing my feelings with.  I am learning that my beliefs and convictions are just that - mine.  And, it's Ok if someone doubts/questions them.  They're still mine.  I am starting to verbalize some of my dreams without the fear of what others may do or say.  God planted these in my heart.  Only God can take them away.  It really doesn't matter what others think.

I am becoming my own person - the person God intends for me to be.

I know this is only one more step in the journey - there's so much more distance to cover.  This letter to God marks where I've been and helps me to see where I'm going.  For now, I will accept this and continue to move forward, realizing these roadblocks and hurdles in front of me aren't meant to hurt or hinder, they're meant to help me grow, to shine, to be stronger.