What Is it About Being Honest?

Honesty.  It's something I say I want.  I want others to be honest.  I want to be honest.  But honestly, I'm afraid of it.  I feel a certain way, but if I were honest with how I felt, someone might think differently about me. 

Sometimes, others' honesty scares me too.  I don't want to hear the honest truth sometimes.  I want to be coddled.  I want to be affirmed.  I want to know that I am always right (even in the rare chance that I am not).  But when asked my honest opinion, I sometimes fail.  Not that I lie, I know better than to lie.  But I might "spiffy-up" that honesty, try to make it look as good as possible - like putting a big red ribbon on a grenade!

Here's where I see the problem.  I've spent so much time hiding all my "honesty", tucking it away in the recesses of my heart and mind.  Many others have done the same.  It's been done for so long, that it's become all to common-place for me to just tuck away every feeling, every emotion, every insecurity. 

Honestly, I'm full to overflowing with all the "tucked-away" junk.  It's not that I want to call an Honesty-Auction House and have all my "honesty"s auctioned away on my front-lawn.  That would not be pretty.  But I am slowly unfolding, untucking, unpackaging all these feelings, emotions, insecurities.  I've found that this is going take a VERY LONG TIME! 

I don't want to vomit this all over.  It wont be pretty.  Not that the slower process is any prettier.  But what I'm finding is that maybe it's a learning process.  Instead of just taking everything out at once and trying to organize the chaos, that maybe there's a simpler process of handling each "honesty" one at a time. 

Normally, this is where I would end my post - leaving it somewhat vague in how I would / am resolving this struggle.  I am not claiming to have the answer or anything remotely close. 

But here's what I am doing:

• I am not tucking away anymore of these new feelings and emotions.  I am addressing them.  If I need to pray about them - I pray.  If I need to talk about them - I talk.  If I need to talk with someone - I talk with that someone.  I don't just put it away for a rainy day - knowing that rainy day will never come.
• As I address the new issues, some of the old ones are able to be cleaned-out in the process, since they tend to be related.  This is helping in the "unfolding" process.
• I continue to trust God to help me, knowing that this is not overnight.  This is not "once and done".  I will always wrestle with some of these issues - I will always have to deal with feelings, emotions, insecurities.  But, I will always have God walking with me through them all and can trust He will not let me stumble, He will not let me fail.