I am a checklist person, per se. I like to write out my list of tasks and have the personal pleasure of crossing, checking (sometimes both) the item off the list. At work, I like to write out Action Plans to list out all the smaller projects needed in order to complete the larger overall project. I get a little excited when I get to check off one of the projects bringing me ever closer to completing the project.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about this grief process I am going through. There's 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I mentally have these listed in my mind. As I deal with any of the stages, I mentally check-it off in my mind.
Here's the problem...
As I felt I've "dealt" with a stage, I checked it off with the thought, "Next". And in my own twisted way, considered it done. But that's not the way this is working for me. I'm realizing, the grief/trauma process is not a checklist. I can't go through a stage and think "once and done".
As I've dealt with different emotions, challenges, questions - checking them off the list - I've been amazed, somewhat shocked that they keep coming back. Ugh!
I know. I know. This isn't a simple process, moving from one stage to the next. But man. I sure wish it could be!
I just have to remember - this is not a checklist.
Oh, how I love my lists!!!! But alas, grief is not so much a linear checklist as it is an ebb and flow of tides at the beach.
ReplyDeleteFor example: This big one is anger, it crashes, bangs at the shore, and heads back out to sea. On its heels comes bargaining, but look! There's a little bit of anger in that negotiation I just worked out with God. Oh, and now it's heading back out to sea. Only to come crashing back on the shore again, mixed with seaweed and shells and sand and denial and anger....
Yup, it's messy. And not at all a straight forward process. The cool thing is, overall there is gain. Over all, there is erosion of the the soil of the high places in the heart. Over all. It just has a big briny messy mix in the process of wrecking the castle!