A Heart Divided

I've been reading a book as part of my quiet time.  The book is called, "The Sacred Romance".  It has been something I've wanted to read (even bought the workbook) for quite some time now, but whenever I started it would start some flood of emotion that I was not ready to deal with.  Well now I'm ready.  I've been facing a whole gamut of emotion over these past few weeks, so why not dig a little deeper and see what's inside.

Through the muck and mire and the dusting away of cobwebs, I've found the beginning of the deep chasm that is my heart, my center of emotion.  Though I doubt I will ever fully understand the workings that happen in this place, I am beginning to see that it is not closed or broken down, but a place of mystery and wonder. Even a place to be feared.

As you may know, my nephew was stabbed and killed a few weeks ago.  At first, I thought the feelings of mourning and sadness would be short and quick due to a lack of recent contact with him.  But though I may not have seen him or talked to him recently, he has always been on my heart and mind and often, prayers would be lifted on his behalf.  So, the mourning has lingered.

When I think of his killer - T Y Loftin, Jr...

I have found my heart going back and forth (sometimes both places at the same time) between love and anger; grace and revenge; forgiveness and justice.  The one hand I want to wrap around his neck in a loving embrace and offer prayers of grace and forgiveness.  But the other hand wants to tighten itself into a small ball of fury directed to his face or gut or wherever I might be able to swing it.  This is where I'm torn.

But to look inside my heart, there is a weeping soul crying out for this young man's lost soul and my desire to see him come to justice. 

This is how my heart is divided.

I have no words of wisdom.  I have no theological discourse.  I have no logical arguments.  My heart is torn, it is divided.

But here's what I do have - I have an unwavering trust and faith in Jesus Christ that I have found cannot be shaken.  I have a heart that seeks for the good in all mankind and wants the best for all.  I have a support group of friends who are just absolutely amazing, walking with me every freakish step of the way.  I have a family that is hurting and walking this path too.

My heart may be divided - But still, I stand!