A Little Relieved, just a little

It's been a month and 1-week since my nephew was senselessly murdered.  A week ago today, his murderer was caught and arrested.  According to the news, he has been charged with 1 count Murder 2, 1 count criminal possesion of a weapon, 1 count marijuana possession, 1 count tampering with evidence and 1 count resisting arrest.  Phew!  His plea, according to news sources, "Not guilty". 

I'm not sure what all this means, but I do know one thing, there were several witnesses to Clarence's fight in which he went into without any stabs and left with 6 stab wounds that turned fatal.  This man eluded police for a month, exactly 4 weeks to the day of the stabbing, even though he knew he was being sought by police.  During that 4-week period of time, he purchased a gun from who knows where (cause why would anyone sell a gun to a man whose face is on every local news media source), with the intent to flee the area.

He's now in custody.

When I received the phone call from my brother telling me that he was just arrested, one might have thought I was cheering for my favorite athletic team.  I stood to my feet, both hands in the air and shouted, "Yes.  Yes."  Not so sure that was the "right" response, but it felt pretty darn good knowing this man was not only off the streets, but he didn't put up a fight and he was safely apprehended.

I have no doubt that this man will be in prison for a very long time.  The Murder2 charge alone carries a minimum of 25 to life.  His criminal history/background doesn't improve his chances, in fact, it makes the "to life" more plausible.

I am a little relieved.  Just a little.

You see, this doesn't change much.  Yes, there's a murderer who is no longer on the streets.  Probably will never see the outside world again.  But here's the fact, Clarence is dead and he's never coming back.  It's a hard pill to swallow.

I hadn't in my wildest dreams thought that this would be so darned difficult.  You know, stand at his side in the hospital while he dies, going to his funeral, consoling family, being consoled - that was all expected to be hard.  But the continual ups and downs, I don't understand.  I was starting to get to a point where I was feeling better.  Then on the 18th, 1 month after Clarence's death, I saw the most beautiful sunset.  It was the same sunset I saw on the night of his funeral.  The sky was pink and orange with rays of light coming from behind the few scattered clouds.  I probably should have taken a picture, but because I was sitting in a parking lot, bawling, I didn't think of it.  Then, all the feelings came back in a rush.

My heart is weary.  My emotions are drained.  I am tired.  I find moments of energy in my day.  I find moments of enjoyment.  I even find moments of laughter.  But the shadow is still there, the ominous feeling that all is not right with the world and there's a sense that life will never be the same.

So yes, I am feeling a little relieved, just a little.  Everyday, I find my strength and peace in God as I try to make sense of a tragedy that has befallen a young man whose life was cut way to short.  Now, I seek ways to honor his life, creating a lasting legacy and ultimately, to bring glory to God!